Cell-Abnormality

I'm beginning to think that the so-called "Smart-Phones" are starting to outstay their welcome in my life.

...I mean, don't get me wrong, I fancy my phone as much as a fat person loves red lights in front of "In n Outs"[1]... but I believe that they are becoming more trouble than they're worth.

Now I am new to the world of “Mobile Networking”… My last phone had enough trouble processing color, let alone surfing the web[2]. 

And the only mobile game involved a vegetarian snake that apparently lived in the same universe as “TRON[3]”

And don’t get me started about texting.[4]

However, as terribly inconvenient as those days were…there was a humbling simplicity to it all.  My phone was as dependable as that slightly fatter Saturday night hook-up you always turn to.[5] 

So let’s look at my phone now… the Motorola “CLIQ XT”

I would first like to point out the spelling of this name.  I imagine the WONDERFUL Motorola Marketing team came up with this name while trying to earn the most possible points in a game of Scrabble.[6]

So I set up all the bells and whistles on this thing: Gmail, Facebook, Amazon, Youtube and anything else that could be used by hackers to ruin my credibility[7].

The phone is set for success.  And it’s an amazing three-week Honeymoon period.  Then...CLIQ remembers that it can’t hold in it’s farts for the rest of this marriage.

First the touch screen starts go.  You slide your finger across it once and it freezes and explodes into a million different apps, like it’s a fourteen year old band geek who got touched for the first time.

Then there’s the horrible battery life that smart phones have, which is nothing compared to my last one.  The smart phone works so hard that it’s battery life plummets because of it. It’s as if Paris Hilton and Stephen Hawking squared off in an intellect contest, only to find out that a champion can only be crowned if you can swim to the end of the pool and back.

It’s not that the phone doesn’t have its perks.  It’s just overly ambitious, and then remembers that it spends most of the time locked away in my locker, or next to my crotch.[8]

All in all… I have been having way too much trouble with this thing. 

Will I return it for a simpler phone?

F-No!  What do I look like, somebody from 2004[9]?

Smart phones are a luxury in today’s society.

Yet maybe one day they won’t bite off more than they can chew…

-Matt

---

[1] If you’re not from the South West Coast substitute the word “In n Out” for “Big Lou’s Fried Squirrel Emporium”

[2] The two colors I had to choose from were “Grey” and “Earl Grey”

[3] Nerd Joke.  If you don’t get it, you’re probably having sex right now.

[4] Seriously don’t.

[5] By the way Glenda, what are you doing this weekend?

[6] Or “Words with Friends” if you’re communist.

[7] Want Free Porn? CLIQ HERE!

[8] …Which is also in my locker.

[9] I can’t wait for “Meet The Fockers!” It looks so good!

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #8: Delirium with a Vampire

Chapters 22-Epilogue

So it’s done.

I’ve finished the book.

I must admit…

I went into this book with a negative outlook. I knew that there was no-way possible that I could remotely become engulfed in a fantasy world with vampires and humans in love.

…then I finished the book.

…then I added another tally on the list of “Things Matt was 100% correct about.”

…which now has a grand total of 67.

So lets move on with the review you’ve all come to expect.

We all knew the cliffhanger chapter 21 had, where Bella was prank called by a Vampire named James and she called herself Eileen Sideways… so…

…perhaps Chapter 22 will show the anguish and pain that Bella must go through to evade her vampire friends to put herself into danger and save her mother.

Riveting stuff right?

...I mean… this book has had me on the edge of my seat with anticipation throughout…

…and I now wear my pants as shirts and eat through my a**hole.

…but I digress…

So Bella escapes from the airport by going into a place many vampires can’t go.

…into the ladies restroom. Vampire’s are very afraid of automatic hand dryers…

Bella takes Jasper to the restroom and says she’ll be right out. I don’t know if Jasper wants to feel what Bella is feeling as she sits on the toilet, so he waits patiently away. Bella plays the ol’ I’m taking a 2 hour dump trick, and escapes out a back entrance…no pun intended.

She hops in a taxi and is off to save her mother. Because nothing can possibly go wrong if she does what the bad guy says…

… but wait! She was wrong!

Bella contacts James and he lures her to an abandoned ballet school… because that’s where all vampire movies end… or at least all movies that have too much shame and were created by Mormons… He then proceeds to do the cliché bad-guy monologue explaining why he did everything… Because I love to talk to my food before I eat it. Especially if it’s still alive.

Turns out that Bella's mom isn't actually there, but it's only a home movie that he played..
James explains that he has a relation to Alice…but its all as satisfying a revelation as it is to find a quarter in a bag of broken glass.

The fun part is when James kicks Bella’s ass. James is also video recording so he can tease Edward by posting it on Youtube or something.

Anyways… He is getting ready to kill Bella, BUT THEN!!!!!!! …she blacks out…

…blacks out?

…NO! Don’t black out Bella!

She wakes up to find that The Cullens are all around her and that she’s been saved.

NO!!! Why!? It’s like I was watching the Super Bowl and right before the winning touchdown was scored, the T.V. went out!

So I imagine that Edward and the rest of Fashion Week stormed in and killed the evil vampire…while Bella was asleep.

Thanks a lot Bella… you owe me one sliced up and incinerated Vampire…

I imagine it went something like this.

James: Now it’s time to eat you Bella!
Bella: (faint)
Edward: Not so fast! Luckily my heard of magic griffin flew me here before the volcano wiped out the airport.
James: Too bad my army of Ninja’s thinks differently. (Ninjas appear and surround the rest of the Cullens.)
Carlisle: They’re no match for our Vampire-jujitsu! (vaporize ninjas)
Edward: Now it’s time for you. (takes out lazer-sword and slices James into bits.
James: NO! MY BODY!
Alice: Now we have to burn him.
Jasper: My dragon can handle that! (Dragon Burns Jame’s pieces)
Edward: He’s dead… too bad Bella wasn’t awake to see this…

Bella wakes up in a Hospital. With no more knowledge of the event that occurred in the meantime than a drunken teen at a frat party who wakes up with her hair tied in a knot and smelling like AXE body spray and shame.

…I cry…

Bella’s mother comes in and we all remember that she isn’t an important character…then she leaves.

Edward is by her side, and keeps injecting her with morphine every time she gets too clingy.

They told the hospital that she was retarded and fell out of a window at the holiday inn and that she also stole all the shampoo in the rooms. I just wonder how they explain the bite marks from James…maybe they said that after falling out the window a pack of stray dogs started to chew on her hand.

Edward admits that he is too dangerous for Bella and that it might not be a good idea if they stay together. I agree…then realize I’m talking to a book and call a friend.

I then stop giving a damn because I know how it’s going to end up.

The epilogue has Bella back in Forks. Edward takes Bella to prom. They have a magical evening of freak dancing to “I kissed a girl” and making every other teen look physically un-fortunate like they were all birthed by Danny DeVito and Sarah Jessica Parker… 5.5/10

Thus… I end my twilight journey.
I realize that this is a chick-book… I tried to find some good in its pages… but like digging for diamonds in the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese’s… I come up with nothing but blue-balls and immaturity. I admit that this can be interesting if you are clasping to the concept that there might be the “perfect” version of love out there somewhere for you and you’ll find your own Edward Cullen…or… Female…Cullen… But then you look at the spine of the book and realize that it reads, “Fiction-you idiot” and you’re more likely to find an Ugly person who gives a damn before you find somebody even remotely close to Edward Cullen… or you can just look for a real vampire… If you like melodrama and fictional romance…give it a read… for the rest of us, lets go play some baseball.

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #7: Suspense in Disbelief

Chapters 19-21

I must admit, about around chapters 15-18 the book started getting relatively interesting, and could definitely see the merit in somebody liking this teen version of vampire lore… I mean, it’s not the most compelling literature…but it’s easy for the non-horror fans to follow.

…then chapters 19-21 come along and I remember that this book could easily drive me to commit suicide if I didn’t keep pictures of loved ones by my bedside just in case.

These chapters remind me of everything that I hate about teen literature.

And yes! This is F&*king teen literature. Don’t say that it isn’t…because if you do, you are definitely having withdrawals about no longer being in the run for prom queen and will live through your children’s popular success.

…thus causing you to get multiple face lifts…

…but that’s beside the point… let me review.

Bella is on the run from Vampires. The Cullens, however, are intent on keeping her alive because Edward will bitch and moan for hundreds of years if she dies.

It turns out that Vampires have some weird ritual of playing capture the flag with humans…the flag being Bella.

James, the one who wants some Kentucky fried Bella, only wants her because Edward defended her so much. Kind of like animals that want dominance… Which is fine and actually believable, I guess in a world with the most dangerous creatures looking like beautiful unicorns with sharp teeth.

Now he’ll stop at nothing until he gets her because it turned into a game…
A boring game indeed… but I’ll explain more in a bit…remind me.

Bella has to tell Charlie that she’s is leaving town and never coming back. She goes home and throws a whiney tantrum in front of Charlie to convince him that he should have had a vasectomy and says that Forks is (I know plurals) boring. This convinces Charlie to let her go and he goes back to watching Survivor…or so I imagined.

Her leaving Charlie was wrapped up in only 2 and a half pages! I mean, her Dad loved her, and all they could give him was 2 pages! I spent more time reading on how Edward’s balls hang let alone something that could have an emotional impact…

…ok so maybe they were trying to let us know that Bella had to get out of there fast. But I felt no sense of sorrow or remorse at what was covered in the 2 and a half pages. It was like
Bella: I’m going out Dad. I’ll be back in forever!
Charlie: Ok. Bring me back some beer, will ya?

Edward tells Bella that they have to kill the hunter, because he’ll stop at nothing to get her. He describes that the only way to kill a vampire is to CHOP IT UP INTO BITS and throw it into a fire… because… those bits are apparently still dangerous…

Somewhere…somebody smart just died…

They go back to the Cullen house and devise a plan.

They play the old switcheroo… Esme, aka Mom-acula, takes Bella’s clothes and runs one way. The three men vampires go after the hunter. Alice and Jasper then take Bella away.

…then that happens.

I politely asked the author to let me go with the 3 guys to hunt the vampire… but the author said… “NO!” and threw me in the backseat with the cry-baby and horoscope vampire.

Oh…I remember what I wanted to be reminded about…

We Spend all of chapter 20-21 stuck in a hotel room with Bella, Alice, and Jasper. Bella keeps panicking and being annoying and Jasper keeps sedating her with his ability to emit morphine from his pores. It’s actually very very funny to me.

Bella: Where’s Edward! I don’t want him to get hurt! I’m not worth it! I want my Mom!
Jasper: (Scoots closer to Bella)
Bella: ZZZZzzzzZZZ….

I seriously wish I had that power… I imagine Jasper as a big Octopus who emits a cloud of ease everywhere he goes.

…well…

…Then...we sit and watch Bella mope for a few more pages.
It’s really boring. And besides from Alice drawing rooms she sees with her vague predictions nothing really happens. Bella just whines and wishes she could be near Edward’s marble penis.

We learn that vampires are made by being bitten and not consumed… but everybody who didn’t take the short-bus to elementary school already knew that…

The only saving grace happens at the end of chapter 21 when Bella gets a call from her Mom. Bella answers the phone and her Mom’s voice is replaced with that of the evil vampire. He gives her hardest ultimatum ever… either she stops whining and listens and does what he says or he kills her mother…

…I’m pretty sure she’s as good as dead…

So my overall opinion of these chapters can be described best by the sound of me chewing on glass and eating a lemon. The author tries to build suspense and a sense of urgency… but we end up sitting around in a Hotel room at the freaking Holiday inn while the others are on vampire control. I feel like the little kid who’s stuck inside doing homework while everybody else is out having a good time. Terrible… the only saving grace were the last paragraphs of chapter 21.
5/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #6: A League of Their Own

Chapter's 16-18

Chapter 16 is entitled "Carlisle"... so either Bella and Edward travel to an island inhabited Carl's... or i have to learn more about the patriarch Cullen.

... sadly... my tropical shirt is still in the closet...

... Edward explains Carlisle's past by showing Bella oil painted portraits on the wall... because...apparently the Cullen's don't believe in projectors and are extremely vain.

So Carlisle's super power is being super-nice. Therefore, when he became a vampire, he hated himself and didn't want to kill humans. He tried to commit suicide but apparently couldn't die by any means... and therefore all the other vampires in the world hide in the sewers at night and cry for being different...or so i assume that's the reason that they don't conquor the whole world.

...anyways...

...Carlisle gets hungry and, instead of eating poor defenseless humans, he rips apart a family of deer... who i am pretty sure were Bambi's second cousins.

Carlisle controls his hunger and vows to only help people and become a doctor...so he can drain them financially...i guess.

...Edward talks a bit more about Carlisle but always seems to come back to talking about himself and how he can do freaking everything...except die... douche bag...

We learn Edward had a rebellious phase and left Carlisle... and ate felons and criminals... which i guess... counts more as a vigilante phase than a rebellious... unless he also took up smoking...

The chapter ends with the family asking Bella to play baseball. That's right... baseball...

...vampires...love baseball...

...You'd think that vampires would create cooler games in their spare time of living for-fucking-ever... but i'll get back to making fun of baseball later...

So Edward wants to be introduced to Bella's dad Charlie as her boyfriend... and Bella want's to re-introduce herself as the town whore... so they go back home.

Guess who's waiting at home for them though! Pocahontas and Billy the scary more intimidating indian. They came to drop off fish for Charlie, but found Bella in cahoots with that Cullen boy. Edward let Bella handle the situation and left.

After a whole lot of awkward staring at each other, Billy finally warns Bella not to hang around with Edward. I became frustrated, however, because they said it without...actually saying it... kinda like this.

Billy: Maybe you don't know what you're really getting into Bella.
Bella: Maybe i know what i maybe getting into.
Billy: Maybe you may, but i know that maybe you know that i know what you're getting into.
Bella: Maybe i know more about what you know about what I am about to maybe getting into Baseball, moan, 27 dresses.

Billy then pretty much says, "touche' " and is off with Jacob back home.

Charlie comes home and beats Bella furiously.


...haha... no he really doesn't... but wouldn't that be funny? I was just seeing if you were paying attention.

Anyways. Edward picks up Bella and they are off to the baseball...sigh...field.

...to make baseball sound more interesting i'm going to call it Mega-Fantastic-Ball.

So the family starts playing Mega-Fantastic-Ball during a passing storm. They only play it then because the thunder masks the sounds they make as they hit the ball... which is stupid... plain and simple...

...anyways... some interesting stuff happens.

Alice drops the ball... not literally...but figuratively, and misjudges the distance of a group of passing Vampires that were mentioned in the previous chapter.

Now we have a whole new Mega-Fantastical-Ball game.

They arrive and seem to want to play. But the Cullens don't want them to catch the scent of Bella.

...sadly... Bella starts her cycle at that very moment and they mark her as prey. Edward and his siblings are forced to take her away before something more interesting happens.

...and they do...

...and i sigh...

The chapter ends with Bella devising a plan of moving far away so she can't be tracked by the hunter vampires...or ever watch baseball again.

Overall...not a bad 3 chapters. They were the shortest 3 i had read so far, but the most stuff seemed to happen. Chapter 18 ends with Bella running for her life...so we'll see what happens in the next chapters. 7.5/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #5: The Cullens put the "Super" in Supernatural

Chapters 13-15

So chapter 13 begins with Bella learning that Edward “glows in the light.” Like… the opposite of a glowstick.

…They spend the majority of Chapter 13 like NASA… preparing for first contact…

…Edward swoons Bella with even more talk about how he would love to kill her (as oxymoronic as that statement sounds). I mean seriously! He does! And she F*#King loves it! I never thought that the biggest turn on to a girl is telling her how easy it would be to lure her away from her friends and drink her blood… I’m seriously starting to consider eating raw meat in front of my dates to turn them on.

Edward describes Bella as his “brand of heroine.” And he has to stop himself from shooting her up into his veins while listening to Jimmy Hendrix.

…my brand of heroine is made by Mexican guys in a basement… and Kirkland

…So Bella and Edward eventually kiss. And it’s as over-dramatic as I expected it to be. Bella’s swooning is becoming a bit overbearing for me at times. Bella apparently gets drunk off his kisses, and loses her ability to drive, think, talk, and create new and imaginative words to describe things… no…wait…that’s the author…

…So more of the same stuff happens with Bella’s reaction to Edward. We then learn more about the Cullens and their back story. Edward was born in 1901 and apparently was sick with the most sexiest of diseases, “The Spanish Influenza.” That’s right… only Edward Cullen would get sick with, “The Spanish Influenza.” The sexiest most deadly form of influenza any man can get. Too bad he couldn’t have had a bad case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or Leprosy… those diseases couldn’t touch that. So... Carlisle…aka…Dr. Cullen…aka Dr. Acula… turns Edward into a vampire… and other’s too.

Edward mentions that his family have interesting lives too. His sister Alice can see the future and is apparently in the middle of Chapter 21 at the moment. Emmett has super strength, Jasper is emotionally draining, and Rosalie is, described by Edward as, “pigheaded.” So until I looked it up…I imagined that she had a face like a pig…which would be the short end of the speacial abilities list… She just turns out to always be on her Period...

Bella then has a one-sided slumber party with Edward, and it is very romantic. Edward plays with the rocking chair as she sleeps.

Bella then goes to meet the X-men at the X-men manor. Their house is nice, and not vampire-y. Bella meets some of the family with super powers. Esme is the mom of the house and was apparently named after a Mexican person declaring themself.

They all like Bella…yadda yadda yadda… Edward can do anything and plays the piano and sings and juggles and fucking recites all the numbers in pi because he can do F&*king everything… he’s like a damn iPhone.

…But Alas! My prayers have been answered. Carlisle and Edward hold a more interesting conversation that we can’t hear…in their minds! Apparently some other vampires are coming to the area to visit and Bella could be in danger! That’s right… a possible conflict and plot may be coming to Twilight. And it involves Vampires!...

…final-fucking-lyyyy

Overall… not bad Twilight. They finally stopped focusing on the boring characters and we now get interesting family characters. There are still some laughable moments of development between Bella and Edward. Bella’s girly swooning is a-tad much for my tastes as I had mentioned with the drunk-love. I’m a believer in “love at first sight”…but sometimes…Bella just comes off as that crazy-bitch who makes statues out of your discarded hair and fingernails whenever you mention the word "break-up"… you know who you people are.
7/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #4: More Talk With Less Rock

Chapters 10-12

Okay… so maybe it was the lack of sleep… or shot of estrogen to my veins… but Chapters 10-12 were overall very tolerable to read.

…I know! Right!? I mean… should I just stop reading now before I go out and buy a Twilight T-shirt from hot topic and buy a Paramore CD?

…The short answer… no…

…the long answer…

……F&*k NNNNNOOOOOOOO…oooo…o

… Edward and Bella… talk… for three chapters…. They talk… and talk and talk. Bella describes Edwards voice as “Velvet” so many times I had to get a dictionary out to remember that velvet can also be a noun if it wanted to (I also learned it could mean the “soft downey skin that covers a deers antlers). Therefore…Edward now looks like a deer to me…

Anywho… Edward seems to get a kick out of reading people’s minds and probably knows perverted stuff about everybody in the highschool, which would make some people uncomfortable…but not Bella (shocking! Huh?). You see… he can’t read Bella’s mind… so he goes off of her dim-witted friends to get the scoop… which would probably be like reading the Crayola drawings your baby brother draws for you that looks like a black raincloud that he calls “a duck.” Basically I like calling her friends retarded…


… Not much happens in terms of plot… oh wait… plot? Hmmm… well I guess you can call their relationship plot… but I can also a pile of dog crap “crème brulee.”

My major gripe as of now with these chapters is that I’m slowly getting bored of watching the wonder couple play no-touch.

…Ok… so they’re learning about each other… and it’s romantic… but seriously… I think I’ve gotten the picture that he doesn’t want to touch her for fear of ripping off her skin and wrapping it around himself like a scarf…Then probably go out and wrestle more bears. But NO…that would be interesting.

I want action…or suspense…or CONFLICT! Ok…so Edward mentions something about his sister not approving of their relationship…but nothing has happened yet with that… Maybe I’m just being too harsh and wanting some meat on these bones to keep me interested… but I feel like the stupid little gossip girl who can’t wait to see how my MOST FAV Couple are doing while passing notes in class.

There are some funny moments of tension where Bella wants to touch Edward. Like a little kid with an electrical socket… we all just want to see her do it… but we know she could get her face ripped off if she does.

… The author is not letting the reader have enough fun… it’s like the characters are having the time of their oh-so-mopey lives… and we’re stuck in the backseat while they make out in the front seat. So these chapters are not terrible… just not as compelling as I wish they would be. 6.5/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #3: Bella and Therapists

Chapters 7-9

Oh gods of tedious literature... why must you mock me so with a chapter known as 7.
...I asked for only one thing...less homework and stupid "friend" interactions...and the author not only denied me of that... she also made me imagine a F#$king dress montage...


...but i'm getting ahead of myself... i've got more complaining to do...


...Let's get started with Bella's dream... aka... The only god damn relevant thing in chapter 7. Bella is suspecting that Edward is a vampire after Jacob practically gave her a powerpoint presentation in the woods.

Bella is now partially scared... but still more obsessed with Edward. It's like wondering what it's like putting your tongue into a spinning fan... sure it may hurt...but gosh-darn it i want to get to first base some-how.

...So the rest of chapter 7 can be summed up with a big "ZzzzzZZZzz" and me shouting are you seriously making me read this...


....chapter 8 was a little more hilarious...

So Bella and the rest of the sisterhood of traveling pants go to Port Angeles... which is some sort...of port... i guess... with stores... i dunno... i don't travel often.

Anyways... I'm forced to endure the most tormenting of "chick shit" i've ever had to take in a book. Bella and friends try on Jewelry...clothes...tampons and what have-you's to torture any reader who isn't listening to pretty woman as they exit fitting rooms.

To make the scene relivant Bella asks her friends a question about the Cullens Backpacking trips that comes off something like this.

Bella: I love your dress!
Monotonous Girlfriends: Thanks Bella!
Bella: Speaking of dresses, are the Cullens vampires?
Monotonous Girlfriends: No, they just never come to school on Sunny days. And we have a combined IQ of 6.


I giggled and then skipped the next couple of paragraphs until Bella decided to go off on her own...

...and get into some shenanigans.

Yes... only Bella, being the walking contradiction that she is, manages to come across Port Angeles's town Rapists. And boy... are they good at what they do.

Who knew that 4 guys on the town who come across a random girl can all agree on one thing... "We must Rape this Chick." So they engage in operation "Stalk, Flank, Rape."

So Edward comes in a saves the day. And things finally start getting interesting again.

Chapter 9 fairs better than 7 and 8 because (as i've stated before) it's about Edward and Bella. Edwards treatment of Bella is very entertaining and interesting at the same time. He is very protective, and seems to follow her around in case she happens to fall off a cliff...kinda like that old videogame Lemmings... you know...building bridges...giving her stilts... adding ladders...

...just like that...

Bella asks the important questions...and finds out the truth about Edward. And after about 6 seconds of possible personal character conflict... Bella is ready to have a bat in her cave.

...but you learn Edward is a special kind of vampire... i like to call them, "knot-vampires"


Chapter 9 proved a few things. There is chemistry between the two characters... no matter how shallow they may seem at times. Chapter 7 was an abysmal bore... and 8 really no better except for the fact that we learn Edward can get great service at restaurants... 9 finally adds some degree of character development and shows some real growth.

...Then again... that's like seeing your only Monet painting inside an Applebees...
6.5/10