Reading with the Lights On: The Hunger Games Chapters 10-12

If my “relationship” with The Hunger Games were real, I admit…I may have gotten into it for the wrong reasons.  I thought it’d take a little more than a few minutes after we’ve met before we were in bed together, ready to have wild and crazy sex until my mouth ran so dry of moisture that the safe word we came up with sounds like it was created by Helen Keller. I was pumped. I was ready!

…Then I read the first 9 chapters… Which had me in the awkward position of being naked in bed and she decided to bring out the family photo album… 

So after a severe case of “Reader’s Blue-Balls”… The Hunger Games finally lived up to its expectations.

Chapters 10-12: Let's Get It On

Now that Peeta and Katniss are star-crossed lovers like OJ Simpson & Juliet, Katniss realizes Peeta only said he was in love with her to give her an edge.  And by edge…I mean the edge of his penis.

…Katniss is pissed at Peeta, but that boys a charmer, and has her regretting her bad treatment of him.  He’s good at turning things around on her and making it seem like she’s the “bad guy”.  I’m starting to think that they got their genders reversed…

But it doesn’t matter now because they are all about to go into the arena and fight to the death!!!

Katniss and all the other kids from Sweet-Valley-Die have to sprint for their lives to get the good weapons and supplies that are scattered across something called “The Cornucopia”… It’s like Black Friday at Best Buy, except less people die.

When the games actually start Katniss relies heavily on the one skill all girls naturally have… indecisiveness.

“Do I run for the weapons?”

“Do I run for shelter?”

“Does my Make-up look good?”

“I’m not sure what I want for dinner tonight. You choose.”

Katniss almost had to fight a kid to the death for a near-by backpack, but lucky for her the kid was allergic to knives in the back.  And sure enough, knives were flying like there was an earthquake in a Benihana.  Some crazy chick was throwing them around like rice at a wedding and Katniss was the bride to freakin be.

Kat escapes, making like her name and climbing up a tree.  Sadly…there are no firefighters to get her down, so she decides to set up camp. 

It’s there that she realizes that she’s not alone.  Another tribute is in a nearby tree and starts a fire to keep warm.  This is not a good idea. The so-called “Career Tributes” are onto that tribute like Bears are onto honey and used tampons.

The Career Tributes can best be described as the Jocks in high school.  They’re popular, athletic, and have enough ringworm to start a “Kay Jewelers”.  They’re like teenage versions of John Rambo.

The Careers quickly dispose of the girl who started the fire, and are in search of anybody else in the area.  They are apparently working together to eliminate all of the weaker opponents first so there are only the best of the best left.  Kind of like if the Marshmallows in your Lucky Charms started throwing all the regular cereal pieces out of the bowl.

However, Katniss is shocked to learn that Peeta is leading this group.  I was certainly shocked as well.  It was like learning that the Taliban was actually led by Wolfgang Puck.  I guess he’s more of a Gordon Ramsey than a Julie Childs…

Katniss feels betrayed.  However, she can’t concentrate on that because she’s also out of water. Sadly it isn’t until next year that “The Thirsty Games” occurs…so she’s screwed for now.

Of course she finds some…because the book would be terribly short if she didn’t.  She drinks and rests, and eats rabbit, and thinks of her sister, and wonders what she’s missing on the next episode of GLEE… but her thoughts are cut short by a flaming wall coming straight at her! AND THEN…

Well…I haven’t got there yet… but I’ll be sure to let you know.

Reading with the Lights On: The Hunger Games Chapters 7-9

I can’t decide whether I’m enjoying my time reading “The Hunger Games” or am I just going through the motions; I’m like a morbidly obese person at a bistro watching the chef sharpen his knife…only for him to start sharpening his spoon, fork, and f&*king napkin too.  I understand that the main course is going to be delicious…but they don’t even want to give me an appetizer, instead they make me smell what the cooks are making meanwhile telling me how they went to Kinko’s to print the menus…

… Chapters 7-9: Starvation…

It’s training day at the CAPITAL CITY (all caps).  Katniss and her rival/partner/flatbread Peeta have all the sexual tension of Beta Fish.  Katniss is so very standoffish to everybody in the book, that I’m starting to apologize for her and send all of them flowers that say, “Sorry, I’m kind-of PMSing right now- Katniss”.

But I guess it’s understandable when your government’s equivalent of a national holiday is on par with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Chapter 7 brings us to Katniss and Peeta’s training sessions.

Like most bakers, Peeta’s strength lies in his ability to recognize which kind of dinner roll tastes best with human blood.  He also can apparently lift heavy bags of flour.  Which will come in handy when all of his opponents’ limbs fall off and their skin turns to burlap.

Then we have Katniss. She’s so full of angst and low-esteem that she doesn’t even know that she’s our protagonist in this book…  “What are you good at Katniss?” “I’m not sure what I’m really good at.” She says… To which the author replies “Mutha-F&*kin’ everything!” 

Can she shoot a bow?  Like Goddamn Pro!  Can she set traps?  She sets them and spots them like admiral freakin’ Admiral Ackbar.  Can she pass a swimsuit competition?... She’s 16.  Go talk to Chris Hansen, perv.

Katniss is just too good at everything.  She doubts herself so much, and does so well I feel like she’s kind of fishing for compliments.  I’d rather follow Peeta, who has little survival skill outside of the lunchtime rush at Marie Calendars.   

Katniss and all the other members of Man vs. Child are rated on how well they did during their audition thingy.  Lo and behold, Kat-in-the-Hat scores top marks and surprises everyone.  Peeta apparently cooked up a deadly muffin that impressed as well. So yeah… that happened.

Finally, Chapter 9 brings us to the logical conclusion to a pre-death match contest.  The personality contest.  It’s kind of like making small talk as your sponging a convict’s head before the zapping starts.

Haymitch, Katniss’s mentally handicapped-mentor, preps Katniss for the red carpet.  We learn that Katniss has all the personality of a pigeon that hits your windshield headfirst…so he tells her to improvise.

Now…perhaps this is where Katniss will finally screw up.  Maybe she’ll botch the interview and lose all credibility and---- aw f&*k it, she nails that too.  She can do no wrong.  She could stand in front of the crowd and crap in her pants, and the audience would find her to be “refreshing”... I really wanted her to screw up, just once, to keep me on my toes.

Meanwhile, Peeta spills the beans during his interview about his secret love for Katniss, which better lead to the line, “Is that a murderous back-stabbing plot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” in a later chapter.

So there you have it.  Chapters 7-9… Wasn’t it exciting?

… It wasn’t?

…Well surely you had to have liked the-?

… Oh… you didn’t?

…I mean…what about the--?

…Yeah…you’re right, that wasn’t great either…

…Oh… HEY LOOK! IT SAYS “PART II: THE GAMES”!!!!

Something cool might happen in the next 3 chapters!!!

I feel like Chanukah and Christmas just had a baby!!!

Reading with the Lights On: The Hunger Games Chapters 4-6

Hi, In case you’re not sure what this is, call an adult in the room and ask them to explain it in small words to you.

This is a retrospect of The Hunger Games by Samantha Collins.  I’m reading it and writing about it so you don’t have to. 

The Hunger Games

Chapters 4-6

Fashion, Chocolate, and Sarah McClachlan

When we last left off, our heroine Katniss McMeow-Meow was on a train with her rival/partner/smoochie-woofkin Peeta. (they kissed, called it, right?)

On this train they get to know each other, as well as the drunken winner of a previous Hunger Game, Haymitch...  This guy is meant to be the “comic relief” in these opening scenes.  He gives us the bodily function and slapstick comedy that a novel about teen murder so desperately needs.

…like if they added a farting clown in the attic with Anne Frank…

…Anyways, Chapter 4 is pretty much about the kids eating on a train, and talking, and being fascinated with hot chocolate and bots every flavor beans…and… wait… what book am I reading again?

Oh…then we come to Chapter 5. Which might as well be titled, “Extreme Make-Over, Guerilla Warfare Edition.”

Katniss meets the last stylist she’ll ever ask, “does this make me look fat” to, Cinn.

(short for Cinnamon Toast-Crunchlestein [jew?])

Cinn, combines cool synthetic flames and a sleek uni-tard, to make  Katniss look less like a sacrificial tribute from District 12, and more like a Gay Pride float from District 69.

The audience loves Katniss’s new look.  And many of the other girls would murder for a nice pair of shoes like that.

They probably will…

Then the characters eat again...because each chapter has a page dedicated to what the kids are eating.  It’s like the book was designed to easily be adapted to a dinner-theater.

Kitty-Kitty-Bang-Bang and Peeta have to look good though, because they want to nab a rich sponsor who will support them when they go into the arena to fight.  It’s like those infomercials where you can adopt a child for pennies a day and they’ll send you a letter and a picture; Except instead of a letter and a picture, they’ll kill all the other kids in their village and let you watch it on T.V.  (hmmmm... “In the Arms of an Angel” is a great fight song)

Now Katniss is getting worried about Peeta.  He’s just acting so darn nice.  She’s realizing that it’s hard to kill somebody who’s nice to you.  (believe me, I’ve tried)… So Katniss tries to distance herself from him.  Although she tries pull away from him, Peeta goes and does something to help her out despite their opposite goals and desires.  He’s like the Hunger Games equivalent of a Mormon.

We spend more time watching them eat.  As a new character called an Avox is introduced.  These are the slaves (more or less) of the Capital City who’s tongues are cut-off (Thus preventing catchy yet treacherous slave-songs).  Katniss recognizes one of them as the girl she potentially could have saved in the woods.  Sadly, Katniss couldn’t save her or the boy she was running with because the government, in all of their subtlety, captured them with a hovercraft that shoots harpoons.  HARPOONS!  When you run out of nets to capture people with, when is a harpoon the next alternative?

Chapters 4-6 were interesting enough…but I think the good stuff is still somewhere beyond the horizon.  I really just want to slap the food out of their hands and send them into the ring already!  But I’ll have to be patient… too bad I can’t have the Avox girl sing me “follow the drinking gourd” to pass the time…