Reading with the Lights On: The Hunger Games Chapters 7-9

I can’t decide whether I’m enjoying my time reading “The Hunger Games” or am I just going through the motions; I’m like a morbidly obese person at a bistro watching the chef sharpen his knife…only for him to start sharpening his spoon, fork, and f&*king napkin too.  I understand that the main course is going to be delicious…but they don’t even want to give me an appetizer, instead they make me smell what the cooks are making meanwhile telling me how they went to Kinko’s to print the menus…

… Chapters 7-9: Starvation…

It’s training day at the CAPITAL CITY (all caps).  Katniss and her rival/partner/flatbread Peeta have all the sexual tension of Beta Fish.  Katniss is so very standoffish to everybody in the book, that I’m starting to apologize for her and send all of them flowers that say, “Sorry, I’m kind-of PMSing right now- Katniss”.

But I guess it’s understandable when your government’s equivalent of a national holiday is on par with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Chapter 7 brings us to Katniss and Peeta’s training sessions.

Like most bakers, Peeta’s strength lies in his ability to recognize which kind of dinner roll tastes best with human blood.  He also can apparently lift heavy bags of flour.  Which will come in handy when all of his opponents’ limbs fall off and their skin turns to burlap.

Then we have Katniss. She’s so full of angst and low-esteem that she doesn’t even know that she’s our protagonist in this book…  “What are you good at Katniss?” “I’m not sure what I’m really good at.” She says… To which the author replies “Mutha-F&*kin’ everything!” 

Can she shoot a bow?  Like Goddamn Pro!  Can she set traps?  She sets them and spots them like admiral freakin’ Admiral Ackbar.  Can she pass a swimsuit competition?... She’s 16.  Go talk to Chris Hansen, perv.

Katniss is just too good at everything.  She doubts herself so much, and does so well I feel like she’s kind of fishing for compliments.  I’d rather follow Peeta, who has little survival skill outside of the lunchtime rush at Marie Calendars.   

Katniss and all the other members of Man vs. Child are rated on how well they did during their audition thingy.  Lo and behold, Kat-in-the-Hat scores top marks and surprises everyone.  Peeta apparently cooked up a deadly muffin that impressed as well. So yeah… that happened.

Finally, Chapter 9 brings us to the logical conclusion to a pre-death match contest.  The personality contest.  It’s kind of like making small talk as your sponging a convict’s head before the zapping starts.

Haymitch, Katniss’s mentally handicapped-mentor, preps Katniss for the red carpet.  We learn that Katniss has all the personality of a pigeon that hits your windshield headfirst…so he tells her to improvise.

Now…perhaps this is where Katniss will finally screw up.  Maybe she’ll botch the interview and lose all credibility and---- aw f&*k it, she nails that too.  She can do no wrong.  She could stand in front of the crowd and crap in her pants, and the audience would find her to be “refreshing”... I really wanted her to screw up, just once, to keep me on my toes.

Meanwhile, Peeta spills the beans during his interview about his secret love for Katniss, which better lead to the line, “Is that a murderous back-stabbing plot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” in a later chapter.

So there you have it.  Chapters 7-9… Wasn’t it exciting?

… It wasn’t?

…Well surely you had to have liked the-?

… Oh… you didn’t?

…I mean…what about the--?

…Yeah…you’re right, that wasn’t great either…

…Oh… HEY LOOK! IT SAYS “PART II: THE GAMES”!!!!

Something cool might happen in the next 3 chapters!!!

I feel like Chanukah and Christmas just had a baby!!!