Dedicated Reader.[1] It has come to my attention that you are confused and/or scared about your Responsibility as a U.S. citizen to go out and vote in the Election today.
Well even though I can’t LEGALLY tell you who to vote for.[2] What I can do, is give you some helpful tips to remember when you go into your local voting place to make your voting experience one that would make “President of Pain”Andrew Jackson tear up.[3]
So here are MATT’S IMPORTANT TIPS TO REMEMBER WHEN VOTING!
TIP #1: Sanitize.
Ok… so this really has nothing to do with actually “voting.” But remember…when you step into that polling place…It’s going to be just you, and a bunch of Old People who carry more diseases than a Mickey Mouse head at Disneyland[4].
Matt’s Suggestion: Bring a bottle of Lysol in with you, and Season 1 of “JAG”[5] as bait…then spray away.
TIP #2: Judge a Book by it’s Cover
Do you not have a clue on what issues a candidate stands for? You, and half a dozen others my friend. Luckily for you, the Candidate’s parents already made the decision for you! A candidate’s name is all you need to know to tell whether or not they are a good person or not. If you were to look on a ballot and see a man named “Adolf Scarmonger” running against another man named “Costco Santaclause”…you already have the decision made for you!
Matt’s Suggestion: A simple analogy can make all the difference. I’ll use an example from the California Statewide Elective office Insurance Commissioner Candidates.
Richard S. Bronstein: Pierce Brosnan:: Dave Jones: Davey Jones[6]
The answers are there!
TIP #3: There are NO Wrong Answers
Voting is an entirely grey area! In fact, if a proposition came up that questioned our right to vote, there would be great arguments for both sides. So if at the end of the day, you feel like there is no “right” answer to a proposition or candidate…just vote for somebody[7].
Matt’s Suggestion: Besides, the guy next to you voted the exact opposite of you, thus canceling your vote. So blame the bad decisions on the people who voted last minute, and had nobody to negate their thinking.
TIP #4: Make Sure You Get your “I Voted" Sticker
Nothing says, “Passionate Lover” like somebody who goes out and votes. It turns people on. I have a theory that the “I Voted” stickers are scratch and sniff with some sort of aphrodisiac. It’s a great “Date Night” activity. Besides…have you ever “done it” inside a voting booth before?
Matt’s Suggestion: Nothing like “Rocking the vote” followed up by rocking her “vote.[8]”
These tips were designed by scientists[9] to make your job as an American Citizen easier. So GO OUT AND VOTE! It’s what cool people do.
[1] Yes…I know who you are…
[2] …yet…
[3] much like he did with those Indians…
[4] By association…every child in America has made out with eachother.
[5] Make sure you set up the DVD player for them
[6] Although…it would be cool to have a politician play an organ with his beard…
[7] Vote for Dave Somebody (D) from Santa Monica
[8] However…never let her punch your ballot…it’s not as fun as it sounds.
[9] matt
haha, very nice
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