MATT'S HALLOWEEN DO and DON'T SURVIVAL GUIDE

Get out your orange and black socks and your pumpkin scented menorah[1], it’s Halloween time!

The Origins of Halloween date back to a time when white people did stupid $#!T because they were afraid of something different than them [2].  So…a bunch of religious folks would dress up and dance around fires to ward demons away.  This practice was perfected once the gays were invented and showed them how fun Halloween could really be[3].

“But Matt”, You may be asking, “how do I ____your name____, a lowly and humble citizen, manage to have a fun and unforgettable Halloween like you do?”

Well today is your lucky day[4]!  Because I am giving you exclusive access to…

Matt’s Halloween Do and Don’t Survival Guide!

::The one guide you’ll ever need, EVER[5]!::

Follow my easy DO and DON'T List and you'll be the king of this years Halloween!

DO:

When you dress up, GO HYBRID!

C’mon this is the year 20XX[6], instead of going as just one character, mix and match them!  Here are a few prime examples for you to choose from!

- Mummy + Porn Star = Imhotep-etitus C

- Vampire + Jedi = Count Dookula

- Frankenstein + Movie Star= Mickey Rourke

Be creative People will adore you for it!

DON’T: Dress as a co-worker from work.

It’s just creepy… We understand that it’s an “Inside Joke”…but the only people who "get it", are you and the voices in your head[7].

DO: Pass out the good Candy to the “Well-Dressed” kids

We live in a Dog-eat-Dog world out there. And what better way to prepare the kids who come to your house about the success against direct competition than a costume contest at your front door.  Punish the SLACKER kids who dress up as a clown, or a pumpkin[8] with crap candy.  Then reward the kid standing next to him in the hand made "Gandalf the Grey" costume with a real treat of name-brand quality. Then laugh, as cheers and tears are shed!

DON’T: Pretend to be a stuffed scarecrow and sit in front of your door waiting for unsuspecting children to come up to scare.

…Seriously… that $#!t screwed me up as a child…

DO: Watch at least one Italian Horror film before Halloween.

Why???  Because Italian horror films make American modern horror films look like the long-lost “Care Bears Movie” sequel.[9]  I mean… Have you ever seen a blind man get torn to shreds by his seeing eye-dog… The Italians have…

DON’T: Watch a PG-13 horror film instead

The only thing scarier than watching a PG-13 horror film, is watching any other film ever made with the lights on in front of a convent of nuns.

Follow my advise and I guarantee you all[10] that you’ll be partying like some sort of drunken + fiend![11]

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[1] Or as the Jewish Zombies call it… Chanukuhhhhhhhhhhhh

[2] …luckily times have changed...

[3] Seriously…I’ve seen pictures of West Hollywood on Halloween. It's what i imagine the inside of Madonna's vagina looks like.

[4] If you’re reading this tomorrow…you may not be so lucky

[5] void in Manitoba

[6] replace the X with whatever year you’re living in, remember to tap mana.

[7] All work and no play, make Jack dress up like Candice from accounting.

[8] However…the hybrid “Clumpkin” would be acceptable…

[9] C’mon “American Greeting’s productions” comebacks are all the rage.

[10] I SAID GET OUT OF HERE MANITOBA!

[11] Mel Gibson