Reading with the Lights On: The Hunger Games Chapters 10-12

If my “relationship” with The Hunger Games were real, I admit…I may have gotten into it for the wrong reasons.  I thought it’d take a little more than a few minutes after we’ve met before we were in bed together, ready to have wild and crazy sex until my mouth ran so dry of moisture that the safe word we came up with sounds like it was created by Helen Keller. I was pumped. I was ready!

…Then I read the first 9 chapters… Which had me in the awkward position of being naked in bed and she decided to bring out the family photo album… 

So after a severe case of “Reader’s Blue-Balls”… The Hunger Games finally lived up to its expectations.

Chapters 10-12: Let's Get It On

Now that Peeta and Katniss are star-crossed lovers like OJ Simpson & Juliet, Katniss realizes Peeta only said he was in love with her to give her an edge.  And by edge…I mean the edge of his penis.

…Katniss is pissed at Peeta, but that boys a charmer, and has her regretting her bad treatment of him.  He’s good at turning things around on her and making it seem like she’s the “bad guy”.  I’m starting to think that they got their genders reversed…

But it doesn’t matter now because they are all about to go into the arena and fight to the death!!!

Katniss and all the other kids from Sweet-Valley-Die have to sprint for their lives to get the good weapons and supplies that are scattered across something called “The Cornucopia”… It’s like Black Friday at Best Buy, except less people die.

When the games actually start Katniss relies heavily on the one skill all girls naturally have… indecisiveness.

“Do I run for the weapons?”

“Do I run for shelter?”

“Does my Make-up look good?”

“I’m not sure what I want for dinner tonight. You choose.”

Katniss almost had to fight a kid to the death for a near-by backpack, but lucky for her the kid was allergic to knives in the back.  And sure enough, knives were flying like there was an earthquake in a Benihana.  Some crazy chick was throwing them around like rice at a wedding and Katniss was the bride to freakin be.

Kat escapes, making like her name and climbing up a tree.  Sadly…there are no firefighters to get her down, so she decides to set up camp. 

It’s there that she realizes that she’s not alone.  Another tribute is in a nearby tree and starts a fire to keep warm.  This is not a good idea. The so-called “Career Tributes” are onto that tribute like Bears are onto honey and used tampons.

The Career Tributes can best be described as the Jocks in high school.  They’re popular, athletic, and have enough ringworm to start a “Kay Jewelers”.  They’re like teenage versions of John Rambo.

The Careers quickly dispose of the girl who started the fire, and are in search of anybody else in the area.  They are apparently working together to eliminate all of the weaker opponents first so there are only the best of the best left.  Kind of like if the Marshmallows in your Lucky Charms started throwing all the regular cereal pieces out of the bowl.

However, Katniss is shocked to learn that Peeta is leading this group.  I was certainly shocked as well.  It was like learning that the Taliban was actually led by Wolfgang Puck.  I guess he’s more of a Gordon Ramsey than a Julie Childs…

Katniss feels betrayed.  However, she can’t concentrate on that because she’s also out of water. Sadly it isn’t until next year that “The Thirsty Games” occurs…so she’s screwed for now.

Of course she finds some…because the book would be terribly short if she didn’t.  She drinks and rests, and eats rabbit, and thinks of her sister, and wonders what she’s missing on the next episode of GLEE… but her thoughts are cut short by a flaming wall coming straight at her! AND THEN…

Well…I haven’t got there yet… but I’ll be sure to let you know.

Reading with the Lights On: The Hunger Games Chapters 7-9

I can’t decide whether I’m enjoying my time reading “The Hunger Games” or am I just going through the motions; I’m like a morbidly obese person at a bistro watching the chef sharpen his knife…only for him to start sharpening his spoon, fork, and f&*king napkin too.  I understand that the main course is going to be delicious…but they don’t even want to give me an appetizer, instead they make me smell what the cooks are making meanwhile telling me how they went to Kinko’s to print the menus…

… Chapters 7-9: Starvation…

It’s training day at the CAPITAL CITY (all caps).  Katniss and her rival/partner/flatbread Peeta have all the sexual tension of Beta Fish.  Katniss is so very standoffish to everybody in the book, that I’m starting to apologize for her and send all of them flowers that say, “Sorry, I’m kind-of PMSing right now- Katniss”.

But I guess it’s understandable when your government’s equivalent of a national holiday is on par with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Chapter 7 brings us to Katniss and Peeta’s training sessions.

Like most bakers, Peeta’s strength lies in his ability to recognize which kind of dinner roll tastes best with human blood.  He also can apparently lift heavy bags of flour.  Which will come in handy when all of his opponents’ limbs fall off and their skin turns to burlap.

Then we have Katniss. She’s so full of angst and low-esteem that she doesn’t even know that she’s our protagonist in this book…  “What are you good at Katniss?” “I’m not sure what I’m really good at.” She says… To which the author replies “Mutha-F&*kin’ everything!” 

Can she shoot a bow?  Like Goddamn Pro!  Can she set traps?  She sets them and spots them like admiral freakin’ Admiral Ackbar.  Can she pass a swimsuit competition?... She’s 16.  Go talk to Chris Hansen, perv.

Katniss is just too good at everything.  She doubts herself so much, and does so well I feel like she’s kind of fishing for compliments.  I’d rather follow Peeta, who has little survival skill outside of the lunchtime rush at Marie Calendars.   

Katniss and all the other members of Man vs. Child are rated on how well they did during their audition thingy.  Lo and behold, Kat-in-the-Hat scores top marks and surprises everyone.  Peeta apparently cooked up a deadly muffin that impressed as well. So yeah… that happened.

Finally, Chapter 9 brings us to the logical conclusion to a pre-death match contest.  The personality contest.  It’s kind of like making small talk as your sponging a convict’s head before the zapping starts.

Haymitch, Katniss’s mentally handicapped-mentor, preps Katniss for the red carpet.  We learn that Katniss has all the personality of a pigeon that hits your windshield headfirst…so he tells her to improvise.

Now…perhaps this is where Katniss will finally screw up.  Maybe she’ll botch the interview and lose all credibility and---- aw f&*k it, she nails that too.  She can do no wrong.  She could stand in front of the crowd and crap in her pants, and the audience would find her to be “refreshing”... I really wanted her to screw up, just once, to keep me on my toes.

Meanwhile, Peeta spills the beans during his interview about his secret love for Katniss, which better lead to the line, “Is that a murderous back-stabbing plot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” in a later chapter.

So there you have it.  Chapters 7-9… Wasn’t it exciting?

… It wasn’t?

…Well surely you had to have liked the-?

… Oh… you didn’t?

…I mean…what about the--?

…Yeah…you’re right, that wasn’t great either…

…Oh… HEY LOOK! IT SAYS “PART II: THE GAMES”!!!!

Something cool might happen in the next 3 chapters!!!

I feel like Chanukah and Christmas just had a baby!!!

Reading with the Lights On: The Hunger Games Chapters 4-6

Hi, In case you’re not sure what this is, call an adult in the room and ask them to explain it in small words to you.

This is a retrospect of The Hunger Games by Samantha Collins.  I’m reading it and writing about it so you don’t have to. 

The Hunger Games

Chapters 4-6

Fashion, Chocolate, and Sarah McClachlan

When we last left off, our heroine Katniss McMeow-Meow was on a train with her rival/partner/smoochie-woofkin Peeta. (they kissed, called it, right?)

On this train they get to know each other, as well as the drunken winner of a previous Hunger Game, Haymitch...  This guy is meant to be the “comic relief” in these opening scenes.  He gives us the bodily function and slapstick comedy that a novel about teen murder so desperately needs.

…like if they added a farting clown in the attic with Anne Frank…

…Anyways, Chapter 4 is pretty much about the kids eating on a train, and talking, and being fascinated with hot chocolate and bots every flavor beans…and… wait… what book am I reading again?

Oh…then we come to Chapter 5. Which might as well be titled, “Extreme Make-Over, Guerilla Warfare Edition.”

Katniss meets the last stylist she’ll ever ask, “does this make me look fat” to, Cinn.

(short for Cinnamon Toast-Crunchlestein [jew?])

Cinn, combines cool synthetic flames and a sleek uni-tard, to make  Katniss look less like a sacrificial tribute from District 12, and more like a Gay Pride float from District 69.

The audience loves Katniss’s new look.  And many of the other girls would murder for a nice pair of shoes like that.

They probably will…

Then the characters eat again...because each chapter has a page dedicated to what the kids are eating.  It’s like the book was designed to easily be adapted to a dinner-theater.

Kitty-Kitty-Bang-Bang and Peeta have to look good though, because they want to nab a rich sponsor who will support them when they go into the arena to fight.  It’s like those infomercials where you can adopt a child for pennies a day and they’ll send you a letter and a picture; Except instead of a letter and a picture, they’ll kill all the other kids in their village and let you watch it on T.V.  (hmmmm... “In the Arms of an Angel” is a great fight song)

Now Katniss is getting worried about Peeta.  He’s just acting so darn nice.  She’s realizing that it’s hard to kill somebody who’s nice to you.  (believe me, I’ve tried)… So Katniss tries to distance herself from him.  Although she tries pull away from him, Peeta goes and does something to help her out despite their opposite goals and desires.  He’s like the Hunger Games equivalent of a Mormon.

We spend more time watching them eat.  As a new character called an Avox is introduced.  These are the slaves (more or less) of the Capital City who’s tongues are cut-off (Thus preventing catchy yet treacherous slave-songs).  Katniss recognizes one of them as the girl she potentially could have saved in the woods.  Sadly, Katniss couldn’t save her or the boy she was running with because the government, in all of their subtlety, captured them with a hovercraft that shoots harpoons.  HARPOONS!  When you run out of nets to capture people with, when is a harpoon the next alternative?

Chapters 4-6 were interesting enough…but I think the good stuff is still somewhere beyond the horizon.  I really just want to slap the food out of their hands and send them into the ring already!  But I’ll have to be patient… too bad I can’t have the Avox girl sing me “follow the drinking gourd” to pass the time…

Reading with the Lights On: The Hunger Games Chapters 1-3.

In case you have been living under a rock for the last year or so, or perhaps you just accidentally wandered into the young adult section of Barnes and Noble while trying to find a nonchalant way to get to the “Human Sexuality” section.  The next big thing in the it’s-fun-to-read-cause-it-doesn’t-use-fancy-words-Literature is the series called The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins.  Now I know that many of you out there hate sitting down for hours at a time reading a book. All the while risking the constant possibilities of paper cuts, paper burns, and paper sexual harassment.  So my adored readers take solace in knowing that I, Matt Aldapa, will be reading the book for you and summarizing it in neat little 3 chapter intervals.  It’s like cliff notes, without the “pfff...dumbass” stares you get at the checkout register.

This is...

"Reading with the Lights On!"

So…without further adieu… THE HUNGER GAMES

Chapters 1-3: Enter, Her royal, Katniss.

            Imagine yourself two hundred or so years in the future.  Now rip off all your clothes, kill off all the people you love, and develop a severe case of dysentery and you are now in the setting of The Hunger Games.  This is a sad future of paranoid government control, widespread famine and poverty, and a time in which humans have evolved beyond the point of having respectable sounding names…

Enter our heroine, Katniss.  Her name is Latin for “Feline Royalty”.

           

Katniss is the alpha-female, tomboy, who might as well carry an axe to chop down any phallic spire that gets in her way.  She takes care of her little sister Prim, and her depressed mother, Proper.  (They haven’t told me her name yet, so I’m just assuming here.)  

It’s Katniss’s (Katniss’es) (Kit-Kat Bar’s) job to hunt for food to bring back to her poor helpless family of whom she has no faith can take care of themselves.

           

They all live in District 12. (The name “District 12” won over the name “New Shits-burg.”)  The world, as we know it, was nearly destroyed via hurricane, flood, and war, only now one plague remains, Reality Television…but more on that later…

Now that we’re exposition-ed out, we can start talking about the plot. 

Garfield and friends are all worried because today is, “The Reaping.”  Which basically means Katniss and all the youth in District 12 are at risk of being selected to participate in, “The Hunger Games.” (They said it!!!)  “The Hunger Games” is a televised government sponsored Reality T.V. show that pits 24 teenagers (no-virginity required) in a fight to the death until only one remains.  It’s like if the prom king and queen had to murder the prom king and queen of all the other high schools and then kill each other.  Corsages are not required.

  Katniss and her “hetero-male-non-sexual-friend-with-benefits” Gale are at a very high risk of being selected during this “reaping.”

           

Chapter 1 ends with the whole community gathered in the town square for the selection of the kids who are going to fight.  The children are sectioned and roped off by ages 12-18.  The twelve year olds, like little sister Prim, are scared little puppies, while the hardened 18 year olds are ready to fight. (The 13-17 year olds can’t stop making out).  Then the first name is drawn. Lo and behold it’s little sister Prim. (dun dun dun) Then in another shocking turn of events, Katniss takes her little sisters place.

She then meets her opponent…ready for this… his name is Peeta… and he’s a baker… Peeta…makes bread… Really?  Is the butcher in the town named “Porkchop” and the town plumber named “Shit-clog”? Ugh… anyways.  He was nice to Katniss once as a kid, and so they have a bit of history.  10 bucks says she makes out with him at some point.

           

Other notable things that happened in these first 3 chapters.  We learn that Cheetara’s dad was killed in a tragic mining accident, which is why she lives with only her sis and mom.  Oh, and Dad was apparently Snow White and would sing in the forest and attract genetically mutated birds to sing along with him…(seriously…not making this ish-up) Katniss wears a pin that has one of these freak birds on it…they make a big deal about it so I assume it’ll be important later.

            

I really hope this book picks up the pace a little bit.  These first three chapters were an exposition snore fest.  However, the promise of teenagers wailing on each other with sharp things is interesting enough to keep me going.  Is it weird that I’m reading this with my pants off? … The short answer… Yes… the long answer… Wait…do I hear sirens outside my window..?  

MATT'S IMPORTANT TIPS TO REMEMBER WHEN VOTING!

Dedicated Reader.[1]  It has come to my attention that you are confused and/or scared about your Responsibility as a U.S. citizen to go out and vote in the Election today.

Well even though I can’t LEGALLY tell you who to vote for.[2]  What I can do, is give you some helpful tips to remember when you go into your local voting place to make your voting experience one that would make “President of Pain”Andrew Jackson tear up.[3]

So here are  MATT’S IMPORTANT TIPS TO REMEMBER WHEN VOTING!

TIP #1: Sanitize.

Ok… so this really has nothing to do with actually “voting.” But remember…when you step into that polling place…It’s going to be just you, and a bunch of Old People who carry more diseases than a Mickey Mouse head at Disneyland[4].

Matt’s Suggestion: Bring a bottle of Lysol in with you, and Season 1 of “JAG”[5] as bait…then spray away.

TIP #2: Judge a Book by it’s Cover

Do you not have a clue on what issues a candidate stands for?  You, and half a dozen others my friend.  Luckily for you, the Candidate’s parents already made the decision for you!  A candidate’s name is all you need to know to tell whether or not they are a good person or not.  If you were to look on a ballot and see a man named “Adolf Scarmonger” running against another man named “Costco Santaclause”…you already have the decision made for you!

Matt’s Suggestion: A simple analogy can make all the difference.  I’ll use an example from the California Statewide Elective office Insurance Commissioner Candidates.

Richard S. Bronstein: Pierce Brosnan:: Dave Jones: Davey Jones[6]

The answers are there!

TIP #3: There are NO Wrong Answers

Voting is an entirely grey area!  In fact, if a proposition came up that questioned our right to vote, there would be great arguments for both sides.  So if at the end of the day, you feel like there is no “right” answer to a proposition or candidate…just vote for somebody[7].

Matt’s Suggestion: Besides, the guy next to you voted the exact opposite of you, thus canceling your vote.  So blame the bad decisions on the people who voted last minute, and had nobody to negate their thinking.

TIP #4: Make Sure You Get your “I Voted" Sticker

Nothing says, “Passionate Lover” like somebody who goes out and votes.  It turns people on.  I have a theory that the “I Voted” stickers are scratch and sniff with some sort of aphrodisiac.  It’s a great “Date Night” activity.  Besides…have you ever “done it” inside a voting booth before?

Matt’s Suggestion: Nothing like “Rocking the vote” followed up by rocking her “vote.[8]”

These tips were designed by scientists[9] to make your job as an American Citizen easier.  So GO OUT AND VOTE!  It’s what cool people do.

---

[1] Yes…I know who you are…

[2] …yet…

[3] much like he did with those Indians…

[4] By association…every child in America has made out with eachother.

[5] Make sure you set up the DVD player for them

[6] Although…it would be cool to have a politician play an organ with his beard…

[7] Vote for Dave Somebody (D) from Santa Monica

[8] However…never let her punch your ballot…it’s not as fun as it sounds.

[9] matt

MATT'S HALLOWEEN DO and DON'T SURVIVAL GUIDE

Get out your orange and black socks and your pumpkin scented menorah[1], it’s Halloween time!

The Origins of Halloween date back to a time when white people did stupid $#!T because they were afraid of something different than them [2].  So…a bunch of religious folks would dress up and dance around fires to ward demons away.  This practice was perfected once the gays were invented and showed them how fun Halloween could really be[3].

“But Matt”, You may be asking, “how do I ____your name____, a lowly and humble citizen, manage to have a fun and unforgettable Halloween like you do?”

Well today is your lucky day[4]!  Because I am giving you exclusive access to…

Matt’s Halloween Do and Don’t Survival Guide!

::The one guide you’ll ever need, EVER[5]!::

Follow my easy DO and DON'T List and you'll be the king of this years Halloween!

DO:

When you dress up, GO HYBRID!

C’mon this is the year 20XX[6], instead of going as just one character, mix and match them!  Here are a few prime examples for you to choose from!

- Mummy + Porn Star = Imhotep-etitus C

- Vampire + Jedi = Count Dookula

- Frankenstein + Movie Star= Mickey Rourke

Be creative People will adore you for it!

DON’T: Dress as a co-worker from work.

It’s just creepy… We understand that it’s an “Inside Joke”…but the only people who "get it", are you and the voices in your head[7].

DO: Pass out the good Candy to the “Well-Dressed” kids

We live in a Dog-eat-Dog world out there. And what better way to prepare the kids who come to your house about the success against direct competition than a costume contest at your front door.  Punish the SLACKER kids who dress up as a clown, or a pumpkin[8] with crap candy.  Then reward the kid standing next to him in the hand made "Gandalf the Grey" costume with a real treat of name-brand quality. Then laugh, as cheers and tears are shed!

DON’T: Pretend to be a stuffed scarecrow and sit in front of your door waiting for unsuspecting children to come up to scare.

…Seriously… that $#!t screwed me up as a child…

DO: Watch at least one Italian Horror film before Halloween.

Why???  Because Italian horror films make American modern horror films look like the long-lost “Care Bears Movie” sequel.[9]  I mean… Have you ever seen a blind man get torn to shreds by his seeing eye-dog… The Italians have…

DON’T: Watch a PG-13 horror film instead

The only thing scarier than watching a PG-13 horror film, is watching any other film ever made with the lights on in front of a convent of nuns.

Follow my advise and I guarantee you all[10] that you’ll be partying like some sort of drunken + fiend![11]

---

[1] Or as the Jewish Zombies call it… Chanukuhhhhhhhhhhhh

[2] …luckily times have changed...

[3] Seriously…I’ve seen pictures of West Hollywood on Halloween. It's what i imagine the inside of Madonna's vagina looks like.

[4] If you’re reading this tomorrow…you may not be so lucky

[5] void in Manitoba

[6] replace the X with whatever year you’re living in, remember to tap mana.

[7] All work and no play, make Jack dress up like Candice from accounting.

[8] However…the hybrid “Clumpkin” would be acceptable…

[9] C’mon “American Greeting’s productions” comebacks are all the rage.

[10] I SAID GET OUT OF HERE MANITOBA!

[11] Mel Gibson

What Would you do?

I would like to start off by saying that I’m not the most cynical of person[1]…

In fact, I believe that one good deed can often lead to another.  It’s like that one movie with Kevin Spacey where good deeds are rewarded[2].

I recently viewed a television show called, “What Would You Do?” which can best be described as Candid Camera meets the movie “Crash.” [3]

The show puts ordinary simple folk like you in scenarios of civic morality that test the boundaries of how far the public will go before stepping in on a situation.[4]

For instance take Scenario A’: Two paid actors, a male and a female, are sitting at a bar as if they were on a first date.  The woman slips out to powder her nose.[5]  Meanwhile the man drugs her drink in front of a few ordinary joe/jane witnesses.

The show then passes judgment on who is a “Hero” for stepping up and stopping the sleaze-bag, and who is a “Terrible and Appalling Human Beings Who Should Be Painted in Red and Placed in Front of a Firing Squad While Fire Ants Crawl Up Their Colon”[6].

Now most of us, when in front of our friends and loved ones would say “Of course I’d step in, I would never let anything like that happen if I saw it.” And to those people I say, “Kudos” my brethren.

But we all know that a lot of people, even those of us who say we would intervene, when it comes to the moment, we often let our doubts and insecurities get in the way of our actions.[7]

That’s what I love about a show like “What Would You Do.”  It uses public spectacle as an influence for people to do good deeds!  Because as much of a cynic as I am,[8] I believe that people are capable of good when they fear of becoming the so-called “Monsters” that are portrayed on TV.

Which is why, “What Would You Do” gets my Thumbs Up’ for the week.

---

[1] Which is why I always leave my car doors unlocked, and my wallet and Social Security Card in the glove.

[2] Se7en

[3] Which is WAY better than the show I pitched, Candid Camera meets “Brokeback Mountain.”

[4] It’s seriously just “Awkward Comedy”, without the ‘Comedy’…

[5] side note: women, this isn’t the Victorian era, we know your not powdering up, just admit your letting one rip in private.

[6] Another pitch I failed at…Damn you ABC!

[7] That’s why I didn’t ask that guy who could have been Wayne Brady for a picture…

[8] My first statement was just a decoy bitches!