Cell-Abnormality

I'm beginning to think that the so-called "Smart-Phones" are starting to outstay their welcome in my life.

...I mean, don't get me wrong, I fancy my phone as much as a fat person loves red lights in front of "In n Outs"[1]... but I believe that they are becoming more trouble than they're worth.

Now I am new to the world of “Mobile Networking”… My last phone had enough trouble processing color, let alone surfing the web[2]. 

And the only mobile game involved a vegetarian snake that apparently lived in the same universe as “TRON[3]”

And don’t get me started about texting.[4]

However, as terribly inconvenient as those days were…there was a humbling simplicity to it all.  My phone was as dependable as that slightly fatter Saturday night hook-up you always turn to.[5] 

So let’s look at my phone now… the Motorola “CLIQ XT”

I would first like to point out the spelling of this name.  I imagine the WONDERFUL Motorola Marketing team came up with this name while trying to earn the most possible points in a game of Scrabble.[6]

So I set up all the bells and whistles on this thing: Gmail, Facebook, Amazon, Youtube and anything else that could be used by hackers to ruin my credibility[7].

The phone is set for success.  And it’s an amazing three-week Honeymoon period.  Then...CLIQ remembers that it can’t hold in it’s farts for the rest of this marriage.

First the touch screen starts go.  You slide your finger across it once and it freezes and explodes into a million different apps, like it’s a fourteen year old band geek who got touched for the first time.

Then there’s the horrible battery life that smart phones have, which is nothing compared to my last one.  The smart phone works so hard that it’s battery life plummets because of it. It’s as if Paris Hilton and Stephen Hawking squared off in an intellect contest, only to find out that a champion can only be crowned if you can swim to the end of the pool and back.

It’s not that the phone doesn’t have its perks.  It’s just overly ambitious, and then remembers that it spends most of the time locked away in my locker, or next to my crotch.[8]

All in all… I have been having way too much trouble with this thing. 

Will I return it for a simpler phone?

F-No!  What do I look like, somebody from 2004[9]?

Smart phones are a luxury in today’s society.

Yet maybe one day they won’t bite off more than they can chew…

-Matt

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[1] If you’re not from the South West Coast substitute the word “In n Out” for “Big Lou’s Fried Squirrel Emporium”

[2] The two colors I had to choose from were “Grey” and “Earl Grey”

[3] Nerd Joke.  If you don’t get it, you’re probably having sex right now.

[4] Seriously don’t.

[5] By the way Glenda, what are you doing this weekend?

[6] Or “Words with Friends” if you’re communist.

[7] Want Free Porn? CLIQ HERE!

[8] …Which is also in my locker.

[9] I can’t wait for “Meet The Fockers!” It looks so good!