Chapters 22-Epilogue
So it’s done.
I’ve finished the book.
I must admit…
I went into this book with a negative outlook. I knew that there was no-way possible that I could remotely become engulfed in a fantasy world with vampires and humans in love.
…then I finished the book.
…then I added another tally on the list of “Things Matt was 100% correct about.”
…which now has a grand total of 67.
So lets move on with the review you’ve all come to expect.
We all knew the cliffhanger chapter 21 had, where Bella was prank called by a Vampire named James and she called herself Eileen Sideways… so…
…perhaps Chapter 22 will show the anguish and pain that Bella must go through to evade her vampire friends to put herself into danger and save her mother.
Riveting stuff right?
...I mean… this book has had me on the edge of my seat with anticipation throughout…
…and I now wear my pants as shirts and eat through my a**hole.
…but I digress…
So Bella escapes from the airport by going into a place many vampires can’t go.
…into the ladies restroom. Vampire’s are very afraid of automatic hand dryers…
Bella takes Jasper to the restroom and says she’ll be right out. I don’t know if Jasper wants to feel what Bella is feeling as she sits on the toilet, so he waits patiently away. Bella plays the ol’ I’m taking a 2 hour dump trick, and escapes out a back entrance…no pun intended.
She hops in a taxi and is off to save her mother. Because nothing can possibly go wrong if she does what the bad guy says…
… but wait! She was wrong!
Bella contacts James and he lures her to an abandoned ballet school… because that’s where all vampire movies end… or at least all movies that have too much shame and were created by Mormons… He then proceeds to do the cliché bad-guy monologue explaining why he did everything… Because I love to talk to my food before I eat it. Especially if it’s still alive.
Turns out that Bella's mom isn't actually there, but it's only a home movie that he played..
James explains that he has a relation to Alice…but its all as satisfying a revelation as it is to find a quarter in a bag of broken glass.
The fun part is when James kicks Bella’s ass. James is also video recording so he can tease Edward by posting it on Youtube or something.
Anyways… He is getting ready to kill Bella, BUT THEN!!!!!!! …she blacks out…
…blacks out?
…NO! Don’t black out Bella!
She wakes up to find that The Cullens are all around her and that she’s been saved.
NO!!! Why!? It’s like I was watching the Super Bowl and right before the winning touchdown was scored, the T.V. went out!
So I imagine that Edward and the rest of Fashion Week stormed in and killed the evil vampire…while Bella was asleep.
Thanks a lot Bella… you owe me one sliced up and incinerated Vampire…
I imagine it went something like this.
James: Now it’s time to eat you Bella!
Bella: (faint)
Edward: Not so fast! Luckily my heard of magic griffin flew me here before the volcano wiped out the airport.
James: Too bad my army of Ninja’s thinks differently. (Ninjas appear and surround the rest of the Cullens.)
Carlisle: They’re no match for our Vampire-jujitsu! (vaporize ninjas)
Edward: Now it’s time for you. (takes out lazer-sword and slices James into bits.
James: NO! MY BODY!
Alice: Now we have to burn him.
Jasper: My dragon can handle that! (Dragon Burns Jame’s pieces)
Edward: He’s dead… too bad Bella wasn’t awake to see this…
Bella wakes up in a Hospital. With no more knowledge of the event that occurred in the meantime than a drunken teen at a frat party who wakes up with her hair tied in a knot and smelling like AXE body spray and shame.
…I cry…
Bella’s mother comes in and we all remember that she isn’t an important character…then she leaves.
Edward is by her side, and keeps injecting her with morphine every time she gets too clingy.
They told the hospital that she was retarded and fell out of a window at the holiday inn and that she also stole all the shampoo in the rooms. I just wonder how they explain the bite marks from James…maybe they said that after falling out the window a pack of stray dogs started to chew on her hand.
Edward admits that he is too dangerous for Bella and that it might not be a good idea if they stay together. I agree…then realize I’m talking to a book and call a friend.
I then stop giving a damn because I know how it’s going to end up.
The epilogue has Bella back in Forks. Edward takes Bella to prom. They have a magical evening of freak dancing to “I kissed a girl” and making every other teen look physically un-fortunate like they were all birthed by Danny DeVito and Sarah Jessica Parker… 5.5/10
Thus… I end my twilight journey.
I realize that this is a chick-book… I tried to find some good in its pages… but like digging for diamonds in the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese’s… I come up with nothing but blue-balls and immaturity. I admit that this can be interesting if you are clasping to the concept that there might be the “perfect” version of love out there somewhere for you and you’ll find your own Edward Cullen…or… Female…Cullen… But then you look at the spine of the book and realize that it reads, “Fiction-you idiot” and you’re more likely to find an Ugly person who gives a damn before you find somebody even remotely close to Edward Cullen… or you can just look for a real vampire… If you like melodrama and fictional romance…give it a read… for the rest of us, lets go play some baseball.
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