Chapters 19-21
I must admit, about around chapters 15-18 the book started getting relatively interesting, and could definitely see the merit in somebody liking this teen version of vampire lore… I mean, it’s not the most compelling literature…but it’s easy for the non-horror fans to follow.
…then chapters 19-21 come along and I remember that this book could easily drive me to commit suicide if I didn’t keep pictures of loved ones by my bedside just in case.
These chapters remind me of everything that I hate about teen literature.
And yes! This is F&*king teen literature. Don’t say that it isn’t…because if you do, you are definitely having withdrawals about no longer being in the run for prom queen and will live through your children’s popular success.
…thus causing you to get multiple face lifts…
…but that’s beside the point… let me review.
Bella is on the run from Vampires. The Cullens, however, are intent on keeping her alive because Edward will bitch and moan for hundreds of years if she dies.
It turns out that Vampires have some weird ritual of playing capture the flag with humans…the flag being Bella.
James, the one who wants some Kentucky fried Bella, only wants her because Edward defended her so much. Kind of like animals that want dominance… Which is fine and actually believable, I guess in a world with the most dangerous creatures looking like beautiful unicorns with sharp teeth.
Now he’ll stop at nothing until he gets her because it turned into a game…
A boring game indeed… but I’ll explain more in a bit…remind me.
Bella has to tell Charlie that she’s is leaving town and never coming back. She goes home and throws a whiney tantrum in front of Charlie to convince him that he should have had a vasectomy and says that Forks is (I know plurals) boring. This convinces Charlie to let her go and he goes back to watching Survivor…or so I imagined.
Her leaving Charlie was wrapped up in only 2 and a half pages! I mean, her Dad loved her, and all they could give him was 2 pages! I spent more time reading on how Edward’s balls hang let alone something that could have an emotional impact…
…ok so maybe they were trying to let us know that Bella had to get out of there fast. But I felt no sense of sorrow or remorse at what was covered in the 2 and a half pages. It was like
Bella: I’m going out Dad. I’ll be back in forever!
Charlie: Ok. Bring me back some beer, will ya?
Edward tells Bella that they have to kill the hunter, because he’ll stop at nothing to get her. He describes that the only way to kill a vampire is to CHOP IT UP INTO BITS and throw it into a fire… because… those bits are apparently still dangerous…
Somewhere…somebody smart just died…
They go back to the Cullen house and devise a plan.
They play the old switcheroo… Esme, aka Mom-acula, takes Bella’s clothes and runs one way. The three men vampires go after the hunter. Alice and Jasper then take Bella away.
…then that happens.
I politely asked the author to let me go with the 3 guys to hunt the vampire… but the author said… “NO!” and threw me in the backseat with the cry-baby and horoscope vampire.
Oh…I remember what I wanted to be reminded about…
We Spend all of chapter 20-21 stuck in a hotel room with Bella, Alice, and Jasper. Bella keeps panicking and being annoying and Jasper keeps sedating her with his ability to emit morphine from his pores. It’s actually very very funny to me.
Bella: Where’s Edward! I don’t want him to get hurt! I’m not worth it! I want my Mom!
Jasper: (Scoots closer to Bella)
Bella: ZZZZzzzzZZZ….
I seriously wish I had that power… I imagine Jasper as a big Octopus who emits a cloud of ease everywhere he goes.
…well…
…Then...we sit and watch Bella mope for a few more pages.
It’s really boring. And besides from Alice drawing rooms she sees with her vague predictions nothing really happens. Bella just whines and wishes she could be near Edward’s marble penis.
We learn that vampires are made by being bitten and not consumed… but everybody who didn’t take the short-bus to elementary school already knew that…
The only saving grace happens at the end of chapter 21 when Bella gets a call from her Mom. Bella answers the phone and her Mom’s voice is replaced with that of the evil vampire. He gives her hardest ultimatum ever… either she stops whining and listens and does what he says or he kills her mother…
…I’m pretty sure she’s as good as dead…
So my overall opinion of these chapters can be described best by the sound of me chewing on glass and eating a lemon. The author tries to build suspense and a sense of urgency… but we end up sitting around in a Hotel room at the freaking Holiday inn while the others are on vampire control. I feel like the little kid who’s stuck inside doing homework while everybody else is out having a good time. Terrible… the only saving grace were the last paragraphs of chapter 21.
5/10
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