MATT'S IMPORTANT TIPS TO REMEMBER WHEN VOTING!

Dedicated Reader.[1]  It has come to my attention that you are confused and/or scared about your Responsibility as a U.S. citizen to go out and vote in the Election today.

Well even though I can’t LEGALLY tell you who to vote for.[2]  What I can do, is give you some helpful tips to remember when you go into your local voting place to make your voting experience one that would make “President of Pain”Andrew Jackson tear up.[3]

So here are  MATT’S IMPORTANT TIPS TO REMEMBER WHEN VOTING!

TIP #1: Sanitize.

Ok… so this really has nothing to do with actually “voting.” But remember…when you step into that polling place…It’s going to be just you, and a bunch of Old People who carry more diseases than a Mickey Mouse head at Disneyland[4].

Matt’s Suggestion: Bring a bottle of Lysol in with you, and Season 1 of “JAG”[5] as bait…then spray away.

TIP #2: Judge a Book by it’s Cover

Do you not have a clue on what issues a candidate stands for?  You, and half a dozen others my friend.  Luckily for you, the Candidate’s parents already made the decision for you!  A candidate’s name is all you need to know to tell whether or not they are a good person or not.  If you were to look on a ballot and see a man named “Adolf Scarmonger” running against another man named “Costco Santaclause”…you already have the decision made for you!

Matt’s Suggestion: A simple analogy can make all the difference.  I’ll use an example from the California Statewide Elective office Insurance Commissioner Candidates.

Richard S. Bronstein: Pierce Brosnan:: Dave Jones: Davey Jones[6]

The answers are there!

TIP #3: There are NO Wrong Answers

Voting is an entirely grey area!  In fact, if a proposition came up that questioned our right to vote, there would be great arguments for both sides.  So if at the end of the day, you feel like there is no “right” answer to a proposition or candidate…just vote for somebody[7].

Matt’s Suggestion: Besides, the guy next to you voted the exact opposite of you, thus canceling your vote.  So blame the bad decisions on the people who voted last minute, and had nobody to negate their thinking.

TIP #4: Make Sure You Get your “I Voted" Sticker

Nothing says, “Passionate Lover” like somebody who goes out and votes.  It turns people on.  I have a theory that the “I Voted” stickers are scratch and sniff with some sort of aphrodisiac.  It’s a great “Date Night” activity.  Besides…have you ever “done it” inside a voting booth before?

Matt’s Suggestion: Nothing like “Rocking the vote” followed up by rocking her “vote.[8]”

These tips were designed by scientists[9] to make your job as an American Citizen easier.  So GO OUT AND VOTE!  It’s what cool people do.

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[1] Yes…I know who you are…

[2] …yet…

[3] much like he did with those Indians…

[4] By association…every child in America has made out with eachother.

[5] Make sure you set up the DVD player for them

[6] Although…it would be cool to have a politician play an organ with his beard…

[7] Vote for Dave Somebody (D) from Santa Monica

[8] However…never let her punch your ballot…it’s not as fun as it sounds.

[9] matt

MATT'S HALLOWEEN DO and DON'T SURVIVAL GUIDE

Get out your orange and black socks and your pumpkin scented menorah[1], it’s Halloween time!

The Origins of Halloween date back to a time when white people did stupid $#!T because they were afraid of something different than them [2].  So…a bunch of religious folks would dress up and dance around fires to ward demons away.  This practice was perfected once the gays were invented and showed them how fun Halloween could really be[3].

“But Matt”, You may be asking, “how do I ____your name____, a lowly and humble citizen, manage to have a fun and unforgettable Halloween like you do?”

Well today is your lucky day[4]!  Because I am giving you exclusive access to…

Matt’s Halloween Do and Don’t Survival Guide!

::The one guide you’ll ever need, EVER[5]!::

Follow my easy DO and DON'T List and you'll be the king of this years Halloween!

DO:

When you dress up, GO HYBRID!

C’mon this is the year 20XX[6], instead of going as just one character, mix and match them!  Here are a few prime examples for you to choose from!

- Mummy + Porn Star = Imhotep-etitus C

- Vampire + Jedi = Count Dookula

- Frankenstein + Movie Star= Mickey Rourke

Be creative People will adore you for it!

DON’T: Dress as a co-worker from work.

It’s just creepy… We understand that it’s an “Inside Joke”…but the only people who "get it", are you and the voices in your head[7].

DO: Pass out the good Candy to the “Well-Dressed” kids

We live in a Dog-eat-Dog world out there. And what better way to prepare the kids who come to your house about the success against direct competition than a costume contest at your front door.  Punish the SLACKER kids who dress up as a clown, or a pumpkin[8] with crap candy.  Then reward the kid standing next to him in the hand made "Gandalf the Grey" costume with a real treat of name-brand quality. Then laugh, as cheers and tears are shed!

DON’T: Pretend to be a stuffed scarecrow and sit in front of your door waiting for unsuspecting children to come up to scare.

…Seriously… that $#!t screwed me up as a child…

DO: Watch at least one Italian Horror film before Halloween.

Why???  Because Italian horror films make American modern horror films look like the long-lost “Care Bears Movie” sequel.[9]  I mean… Have you ever seen a blind man get torn to shreds by his seeing eye-dog… The Italians have…

DON’T: Watch a PG-13 horror film instead

The only thing scarier than watching a PG-13 horror film, is watching any other film ever made with the lights on in front of a convent of nuns.

Follow my advise and I guarantee you all[10] that you’ll be partying like some sort of drunken + fiend![11]

---

[1] Or as the Jewish Zombies call it… Chanukuhhhhhhhhhhhh

[2] …luckily times have changed...

[3] Seriously…I’ve seen pictures of West Hollywood on Halloween. It's what i imagine the inside of Madonna's vagina looks like.

[4] If you’re reading this tomorrow…you may not be so lucky

[5] void in Manitoba

[6] replace the X with whatever year you’re living in, remember to tap mana.

[7] All work and no play, make Jack dress up like Candice from accounting.

[8] However…the hybrid “Clumpkin” would be acceptable…

[9] C’mon “American Greeting’s productions” comebacks are all the rage.

[10] I SAID GET OUT OF HERE MANITOBA!

[11] Mel Gibson

What Would you do?

I would like to start off by saying that I’m not the most cynical of person[1]…

In fact, I believe that one good deed can often lead to another.  It’s like that one movie with Kevin Spacey where good deeds are rewarded[2].

I recently viewed a television show called, “What Would You Do?” which can best be described as Candid Camera meets the movie “Crash.” [3]

The show puts ordinary simple folk like you in scenarios of civic morality that test the boundaries of how far the public will go before stepping in on a situation.[4]

For instance take Scenario A’: Two paid actors, a male and a female, are sitting at a bar as if they were on a first date.  The woman slips out to powder her nose.[5]  Meanwhile the man drugs her drink in front of a few ordinary joe/jane witnesses.

The show then passes judgment on who is a “Hero” for stepping up and stopping the sleaze-bag, and who is a “Terrible and Appalling Human Beings Who Should Be Painted in Red and Placed in Front of a Firing Squad While Fire Ants Crawl Up Their Colon”[6].

Now most of us, when in front of our friends and loved ones would say “Of course I’d step in, I would never let anything like that happen if I saw it.” And to those people I say, “Kudos” my brethren.

But we all know that a lot of people, even those of us who say we would intervene, when it comes to the moment, we often let our doubts and insecurities get in the way of our actions.[7]

That’s what I love about a show like “What Would You Do.”  It uses public spectacle as an influence for people to do good deeds!  Because as much of a cynic as I am,[8] I believe that people are capable of good when they fear of becoming the so-called “Monsters” that are portrayed on TV.

Which is why, “What Would You Do” gets my Thumbs Up’ for the week.

---

[1] Which is why I always leave my car doors unlocked, and my wallet and Social Security Card in the glove.

[2] Se7en

[3] Which is WAY better than the show I pitched, Candid Camera meets “Brokeback Mountain.”

[4] It’s seriously just “Awkward Comedy”, without the ‘Comedy’…

[5] side note: women, this isn’t the Victorian era, we know your not powdering up, just admit your letting one rip in private.

[6] Another pitch I failed at…Damn you ABC!

[7] That’s why I didn’t ask that guy who could have been Wayne Brady for a picture…

[8] My first statement was just a decoy bitches!

Cell-Abnormality

I'm beginning to think that the so-called "Smart-Phones" are starting to outstay their welcome in my life.

...I mean, don't get me wrong, I fancy my phone as much as a fat person loves red lights in front of "In n Outs"[1]... but I believe that they are becoming more trouble than they're worth.

Now I am new to the world of “Mobile Networking”… My last phone had enough trouble processing color, let alone surfing the web[2]. 

And the only mobile game involved a vegetarian snake that apparently lived in the same universe as “TRON[3]”

And don’t get me started about texting.[4]

However, as terribly inconvenient as those days were…there was a humbling simplicity to it all.  My phone was as dependable as that slightly fatter Saturday night hook-up you always turn to.[5] 

So let’s look at my phone now… the Motorola “CLIQ XT”

I would first like to point out the spelling of this name.  I imagine the WONDERFUL Motorola Marketing team came up with this name while trying to earn the most possible points in a game of Scrabble.[6]

So I set up all the bells and whistles on this thing: Gmail, Facebook, Amazon, Youtube and anything else that could be used by hackers to ruin my credibility[7].

The phone is set for success.  And it’s an amazing three-week Honeymoon period.  Then...CLIQ remembers that it can’t hold in it’s farts for the rest of this marriage.

First the touch screen starts go.  You slide your finger across it once and it freezes and explodes into a million different apps, like it’s a fourteen year old band geek who got touched for the first time.

Then there’s the horrible battery life that smart phones have, which is nothing compared to my last one.  The smart phone works so hard that it’s battery life plummets because of it. It’s as if Paris Hilton and Stephen Hawking squared off in an intellect contest, only to find out that a champion can only be crowned if you can swim to the end of the pool and back.

It’s not that the phone doesn’t have its perks.  It’s just overly ambitious, and then remembers that it spends most of the time locked away in my locker, or next to my crotch.[8]

All in all… I have been having way too much trouble with this thing. 

Will I return it for a simpler phone?

F-No!  What do I look like, somebody from 2004[9]?

Smart phones are a luxury in today’s society.

Yet maybe one day they won’t bite off more than they can chew…

-Matt

---

[1] If you’re not from the South West Coast substitute the word “In n Out” for “Big Lou’s Fried Squirrel Emporium”

[2] The two colors I had to choose from were “Grey” and “Earl Grey”

[3] Nerd Joke.  If you don’t get it, you’re probably having sex right now.

[4] Seriously don’t.

[5] By the way Glenda, what are you doing this weekend?

[6] Or “Words with Friends” if you’re communist.

[7] Want Free Porn? CLIQ HERE!

[8] …Which is also in my locker.

[9] I can’t wait for “Meet The Fockers!” It looks so good!

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #8: Delirium with a Vampire

Chapters 22-Epilogue

So it’s done.

I’ve finished the book.

I must admit…

I went into this book with a negative outlook. I knew that there was no-way possible that I could remotely become engulfed in a fantasy world with vampires and humans in love.

…then I finished the book.

…then I added another tally on the list of “Things Matt was 100% correct about.”

…which now has a grand total of 67.

So lets move on with the review you’ve all come to expect.

We all knew the cliffhanger chapter 21 had, where Bella was prank called by a Vampire named James and she called herself Eileen Sideways… so…

…perhaps Chapter 22 will show the anguish and pain that Bella must go through to evade her vampire friends to put herself into danger and save her mother.

Riveting stuff right?

...I mean… this book has had me on the edge of my seat with anticipation throughout…

…and I now wear my pants as shirts and eat through my a**hole.

…but I digress…

So Bella escapes from the airport by going into a place many vampires can’t go.

…into the ladies restroom. Vampire’s are very afraid of automatic hand dryers…

Bella takes Jasper to the restroom and says she’ll be right out. I don’t know if Jasper wants to feel what Bella is feeling as she sits on the toilet, so he waits patiently away. Bella plays the ol’ I’m taking a 2 hour dump trick, and escapes out a back entrance…no pun intended.

She hops in a taxi and is off to save her mother. Because nothing can possibly go wrong if she does what the bad guy says…

… but wait! She was wrong!

Bella contacts James and he lures her to an abandoned ballet school… because that’s where all vampire movies end… or at least all movies that have too much shame and were created by Mormons… He then proceeds to do the cliché bad-guy monologue explaining why he did everything… Because I love to talk to my food before I eat it. Especially if it’s still alive.

Turns out that Bella's mom isn't actually there, but it's only a home movie that he played..
James explains that he has a relation to Alice…but its all as satisfying a revelation as it is to find a quarter in a bag of broken glass.

The fun part is when James kicks Bella’s ass. James is also video recording so he can tease Edward by posting it on Youtube or something.

Anyways… He is getting ready to kill Bella, BUT THEN!!!!!!! …she blacks out…

…blacks out?

…NO! Don’t black out Bella!

She wakes up to find that The Cullens are all around her and that she’s been saved.

NO!!! Why!? It’s like I was watching the Super Bowl and right before the winning touchdown was scored, the T.V. went out!

So I imagine that Edward and the rest of Fashion Week stormed in and killed the evil vampire…while Bella was asleep.

Thanks a lot Bella… you owe me one sliced up and incinerated Vampire…

I imagine it went something like this.

James: Now it’s time to eat you Bella!
Bella: (faint)
Edward: Not so fast! Luckily my heard of magic griffin flew me here before the volcano wiped out the airport.
James: Too bad my army of Ninja’s thinks differently. (Ninjas appear and surround the rest of the Cullens.)
Carlisle: They’re no match for our Vampire-jujitsu! (vaporize ninjas)
Edward: Now it’s time for you. (takes out lazer-sword and slices James into bits.
James: NO! MY BODY!
Alice: Now we have to burn him.
Jasper: My dragon can handle that! (Dragon Burns Jame’s pieces)
Edward: He’s dead… too bad Bella wasn’t awake to see this…

Bella wakes up in a Hospital. With no more knowledge of the event that occurred in the meantime than a drunken teen at a frat party who wakes up with her hair tied in a knot and smelling like AXE body spray and shame.

…I cry…

Bella’s mother comes in and we all remember that she isn’t an important character…then she leaves.

Edward is by her side, and keeps injecting her with morphine every time she gets too clingy.

They told the hospital that she was retarded and fell out of a window at the holiday inn and that she also stole all the shampoo in the rooms. I just wonder how they explain the bite marks from James…maybe they said that after falling out the window a pack of stray dogs started to chew on her hand.

Edward admits that he is too dangerous for Bella and that it might not be a good idea if they stay together. I agree…then realize I’m talking to a book and call a friend.

I then stop giving a damn because I know how it’s going to end up.

The epilogue has Bella back in Forks. Edward takes Bella to prom. They have a magical evening of freak dancing to “I kissed a girl” and making every other teen look physically un-fortunate like they were all birthed by Danny DeVito and Sarah Jessica Parker… 5.5/10

Thus… I end my twilight journey.
I realize that this is a chick-book… I tried to find some good in its pages… but like digging for diamonds in the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese’s… I come up with nothing but blue-balls and immaturity. I admit that this can be interesting if you are clasping to the concept that there might be the “perfect” version of love out there somewhere for you and you’ll find your own Edward Cullen…or… Female…Cullen… But then you look at the spine of the book and realize that it reads, “Fiction-you idiot” and you’re more likely to find an Ugly person who gives a damn before you find somebody even remotely close to Edward Cullen… or you can just look for a real vampire… If you like melodrama and fictional romance…give it a read… for the rest of us, lets go play some baseball.

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #7: Suspense in Disbelief

Chapters 19-21

I must admit, about around chapters 15-18 the book started getting relatively interesting, and could definitely see the merit in somebody liking this teen version of vampire lore… I mean, it’s not the most compelling literature…but it’s easy for the non-horror fans to follow.

…then chapters 19-21 come along and I remember that this book could easily drive me to commit suicide if I didn’t keep pictures of loved ones by my bedside just in case.

These chapters remind me of everything that I hate about teen literature.

And yes! This is F&*king teen literature. Don’t say that it isn’t…because if you do, you are definitely having withdrawals about no longer being in the run for prom queen and will live through your children’s popular success.

…thus causing you to get multiple face lifts…

…but that’s beside the point… let me review.

Bella is on the run from Vampires. The Cullens, however, are intent on keeping her alive because Edward will bitch and moan for hundreds of years if she dies.

It turns out that Vampires have some weird ritual of playing capture the flag with humans…the flag being Bella.

James, the one who wants some Kentucky fried Bella, only wants her because Edward defended her so much. Kind of like animals that want dominance… Which is fine and actually believable, I guess in a world with the most dangerous creatures looking like beautiful unicorns with sharp teeth.

Now he’ll stop at nothing until he gets her because it turned into a game…
A boring game indeed… but I’ll explain more in a bit…remind me.

Bella has to tell Charlie that she’s is leaving town and never coming back. She goes home and throws a whiney tantrum in front of Charlie to convince him that he should have had a vasectomy and says that Forks is (I know plurals) boring. This convinces Charlie to let her go and he goes back to watching Survivor…or so I imagined.

Her leaving Charlie was wrapped up in only 2 and a half pages! I mean, her Dad loved her, and all they could give him was 2 pages! I spent more time reading on how Edward’s balls hang let alone something that could have an emotional impact…

…ok so maybe they were trying to let us know that Bella had to get out of there fast. But I felt no sense of sorrow or remorse at what was covered in the 2 and a half pages. It was like
Bella: I’m going out Dad. I’ll be back in forever!
Charlie: Ok. Bring me back some beer, will ya?

Edward tells Bella that they have to kill the hunter, because he’ll stop at nothing to get her. He describes that the only way to kill a vampire is to CHOP IT UP INTO BITS and throw it into a fire… because… those bits are apparently still dangerous…

Somewhere…somebody smart just died…

They go back to the Cullen house and devise a plan.

They play the old switcheroo… Esme, aka Mom-acula, takes Bella’s clothes and runs one way. The three men vampires go after the hunter. Alice and Jasper then take Bella away.

…then that happens.

I politely asked the author to let me go with the 3 guys to hunt the vampire… but the author said… “NO!” and threw me in the backseat with the cry-baby and horoscope vampire.

Oh…I remember what I wanted to be reminded about…

We Spend all of chapter 20-21 stuck in a hotel room with Bella, Alice, and Jasper. Bella keeps panicking and being annoying and Jasper keeps sedating her with his ability to emit morphine from his pores. It’s actually very very funny to me.

Bella: Where’s Edward! I don’t want him to get hurt! I’m not worth it! I want my Mom!
Jasper: (Scoots closer to Bella)
Bella: ZZZZzzzzZZZ….

I seriously wish I had that power… I imagine Jasper as a big Octopus who emits a cloud of ease everywhere he goes.

…well…

…Then...we sit and watch Bella mope for a few more pages.
It’s really boring. And besides from Alice drawing rooms she sees with her vague predictions nothing really happens. Bella just whines and wishes she could be near Edward’s marble penis.

We learn that vampires are made by being bitten and not consumed… but everybody who didn’t take the short-bus to elementary school already knew that…

The only saving grace happens at the end of chapter 21 when Bella gets a call from her Mom. Bella answers the phone and her Mom’s voice is replaced with that of the evil vampire. He gives her hardest ultimatum ever… either she stops whining and listens and does what he says or he kills her mother…

…I’m pretty sure she’s as good as dead…

So my overall opinion of these chapters can be described best by the sound of me chewing on glass and eating a lemon. The author tries to build suspense and a sense of urgency… but we end up sitting around in a Hotel room at the freaking Holiday inn while the others are on vampire control. I feel like the little kid who’s stuck inside doing homework while everybody else is out having a good time. Terrible… the only saving grace were the last paragraphs of chapter 21.
5/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #6: A League of Their Own

Chapter's 16-18

Chapter 16 is entitled "Carlisle"... so either Bella and Edward travel to an island inhabited Carl's... or i have to learn more about the patriarch Cullen.

... sadly... my tropical shirt is still in the closet...

... Edward explains Carlisle's past by showing Bella oil painted portraits on the wall... because...apparently the Cullen's don't believe in projectors and are extremely vain.

So Carlisle's super power is being super-nice. Therefore, when he became a vampire, he hated himself and didn't want to kill humans. He tried to commit suicide but apparently couldn't die by any means... and therefore all the other vampires in the world hide in the sewers at night and cry for being different...or so i assume that's the reason that they don't conquor the whole world.

...anyways...

...Carlisle gets hungry and, instead of eating poor defenseless humans, he rips apart a family of deer... who i am pretty sure were Bambi's second cousins.

Carlisle controls his hunger and vows to only help people and become a doctor...so he can drain them financially...i guess.

...Edward talks a bit more about Carlisle but always seems to come back to talking about himself and how he can do freaking everything...except die... douche bag...

We learn Edward had a rebellious phase and left Carlisle... and ate felons and criminals... which i guess... counts more as a vigilante phase than a rebellious... unless he also took up smoking...

The chapter ends with the family asking Bella to play baseball. That's right... baseball...

...vampires...love baseball...

...You'd think that vampires would create cooler games in their spare time of living for-fucking-ever... but i'll get back to making fun of baseball later...

So Edward wants to be introduced to Bella's dad Charlie as her boyfriend... and Bella want's to re-introduce herself as the town whore... so they go back home.

Guess who's waiting at home for them though! Pocahontas and Billy the scary more intimidating indian. They came to drop off fish for Charlie, but found Bella in cahoots with that Cullen boy. Edward let Bella handle the situation and left.

After a whole lot of awkward staring at each other, Billy finally warns Bella not to hang around with Edward. I became frustrated, however, because they said it without...actually saying it... kinda like this.

Billy: Maybe you don't know what you're really getting into Bella.
Bella: Maybe i know what i maybe getting into.
Billy: Maybe you may, but i know that maybe you know that i know what you're getting into.
Bella: Maybe i know more about what you know about what I am about to maybe getting into Baseball, moan, 27 dresses.

Billy then pretty much says, "touche' " and is off with Jacob back home.

Charlie comes home and beats Bella furiously.


...haha... no he really doesn't... but wouldn't that be funny? I was just seeing if you were paying attention.

Anyways. Edward picks up Bella and they are off to the baseball...sigh...field.

...to make baseball sound more interesting i'm going to call it Mega-Fantastic-Ball.

So the family starts playing Mega-Fantastic-Ball during a passing storm. They only play it then because the thunder masks the sounds they make as they hit the ball... which is stupid... plain and simple...

...anyways... some interesting stuff happens.

Alice drops the ball... not literally...but figuratively, and misjudges the distance of a group of passing Vampires that were mentioned in the previous chapter.

Now we have a whole new Mega-Fantastical-Ball game.

They arrive and seem to want to play. But the Cullens don't want them to catch the scent of Bella.

...sadly... Bella starts her cycle at that very moment and they mark her as prey. Edward and his siblings are forced to take her away before something more interesting happens.

...and they do...

...and i sigh...

The chapter ends with Bella devising a plan of moving far away so she can't be tracked by the hunter vampires...or ever watch baseball again.

Overall...not a bad 3 chapters. They were the shortest 3 i had read so far, but the most stuff seemed to happen. Chapter 18 ends with Bella running for her life...so we'll see what happens in the next chapters. 7.5/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #5: The Cullens put the "Super" in Supernatural

Chapters 13-15

So chapter 13 begins with Bella learning that Edward “glows in the light.” Like… the opposite of a glowstick.

…They spend the majority of Chapter 13 like NASA… preparing for first contact…

…Edward swoons Bella with even more talk about how he would love to kill her (as oxymoronic as that statement sounds). I mean seriously! He does! And she F*#King loves it! I never thought that the biggest turn on to a girl is telling her how easy it would be to lure her away from her friends and drink her blood… I’m seriously starting to consider eating raw meat in front of my dates to turn them on.

Edward describes Bella as his “brand of heroine.” And he has to stop himself from shooting her up into his veins while listening to Jimmy Hendrix.

…my brand of heroine is made by Mexican guys in a basement… and Kirkland

…So Bella and Edward eventually kiss. And it’s as over-dramatic as I expected it to be. Bella’s swooning is becoming a bit overbearing for me at times. Bella apparently gets drunk off his kisses, and loses her ability to drive, think, talk, and create new and imaginative words to describe things… no…wait…that’s the author…

…So more of the same stuff happens with Bella’s reaction to Edward. We then learn more about the Cullens and their back story. Edward was born in 1901 and apparently was sick with the most sexiest of diseases, “The Spanish Influenza.” That’s right… only Edward Cullen would get sick with, “The Spanish Influenza.” The sexiest most deadly form of influenza any man can get. Too bad he couldn’t have had a bad case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or Leprosy… those diseases couldn’t touch that. So... Carlisle…aka…Dr. Cullen…aka Dr. Acula… turns Edward into a vampire… and other’s too.

Edward mentions that his family have interesting lives too. His sister Alice can see the future and is apparently in the middle of Chapter 21 at the moment. Emmett has super strength, Jasper is emotionally draining, and Rosalie is, described by Edward as, “pigheaded.” So until I looked it up…I imagined that she had a face like a pig…which would be the short end of the speacial abilities list… She just turns out to always be on her Period...

Bella then has a one-sided slumber party with Edward, and it is very romantic. Edward plays with the rocking chair as she sleeps.

Bella then goes to meet the X-men at the X-men manor. Their house is nice, and not vampire-y. Bella meets some of the family with super powers. Esme is the mom of the house and was apparently named after a Mexican person declaring themself.

They all like Bella…yadda yadda yadda… Edward can do anything and plays the piano and sings and juggles and fucking recites all the numbers in pi because he can do F&*king everything… he’s like a damn iPhone.

…But Alas! My prayers have been answered. Carlisle and Edward hold a more interesting conversation that we can’t hear…in their minds! Apparently some other vampires are coming to the area to visit and Bella could be in danger! That’s right… a possible conflict and plot may be coming to Twilight. And it involves Vampires!...

…final-fucking-lyyyy

Overall… not bad Twilight. They finally stopped focusing on the boring characters and we now get interesting family characters. There are still some laughable moments of development between Bella and Edward. Bella’s girly swooning is a-tad much for my tastes as I had mentioned with the drunk-love. I’m a believer in “love at first sight”…but sometimes…Bella just comes off as that crazy-bitch who makes statues out of your discarded hair and fingernails whenever you mention the word "break-up"… you know who you people are.
7/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #4: More Talk With Less Rock

Chapters 10-12

Okay… so maybe it was the lack of sleep… or shot of estrogen to my veins… but Chapters 10-12 were overall very tolerable to read.

…I know! Right!? I mean… should I just stop reading now before I go out and buy a Twilight T-shirt from hot topic and buy a Paramore CD?

…The short answer… no…

…the long answer…

……F&*k NNNNNOOOOOOOO…oooo…o

… Edward and Bella… talk… for three chapters…. They talk… and talk and talk. Bella describes Edwards voice as “Velvet” so many times I had to get a dictionary out to remember that velvet can also be a noun if it wanted to (I also learned it could mean the “soft downey skin that covers a deers antlers). Therefore…Edward now looks like a deer to me…

Anywho… Edward seems to get a kick out of reading people’s minds and probably knows perverted stuff about everybody in the highschool, which would make some people uncomfortable…but not Bella (shocking! Huh?). You see… he can’t read Bella’s mind… so he goes off of her dim-witted friends to get the scoop… which would probably be like reading the Crayola drawings your baby brother draws for you that looks like a black raincloud that he calls “a duck.” Basically I like calling her friends retarded…


… Not much happens in terms of plot… oh wait… plot? Hmmm… well I guess you can call their relationship plot… but I can also a pile of dog crap “crème brulee.”

My major gripe as of now with these chapters is that I’m slowly getting bored of watching the wonder couple play no-touch.

…Ok… so they’re learning about each other… and it’s romantic… but seriously… I think I’ve gotten the picture that he doesn’t want to touch her for fear of ripping off her skin and wrapping it around himself like a scarf…Then probably go out and wrestle more bears. But NO…that would be interesting.

I want action…or suspense…or CONFLICT! Ok…so Edward mentions something about his sister not approving of their relationship…but nothing has happened yet with that… Maybe I’m just being too harsh and wanting some meat on these bones to keep me interested… but I feel like the stupid little gossip girl who can’t wait to see how my MOST FAV Couple are doing while passing notes in class.

There are some funny moments of tension where Bella wants to touch Edward. Like a little kid with an electrical socket… we all just want to see her do it… but we know she could get her face ripped off if she does.

… The author is not letting the reader have enough fun… it’s like the characters are having the time of their oh-so-mopey lives… and we’re stuck in the backseat while they make out in the front seat. So these chapters are not terrible… just not as compelling as I wish they would be. 6.5/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #3: Bella and Therapists

Chapters 7-9

Oh gods of tedious literature... why must you mock me so with a chapter known as 7.
...I asked for only one thing...less homework and stupid "friend" interactions...and the author not only denied me of that... she also made me imagine a F#$king dress montage...


...but i'm getting ahead of myself... i've got more complaining to do...


...Let's get started with Bella's dream... aka... The only god damn relevant thing in chapter 7. Bella is suspecting that Edward is a vampire after Jacob practically gave her a powerpoint presentation in the woods.

Bella is now partially scared... but still more obsessed with Edward. It's like wondering what it's like putting your tongue into a spinning fan... sure it may hurt...but gosh-darn it i want to get to first base some-how.

...So the rest of chapter 7 can be summed up with a big "ZzzzzZZZzz" and me shouting are you seriously making me read this...


....chapter 8 was a little more hilarious...

So Bella and the rest of the sisterhood of traveling pants go to Port Angeles... which is some sort...of port... i guess... with stores... i dunno... i don't travel often.

Anyways... I'm forced to endure the most tormenting of "chick shit" i've ever had to take in a book. Bella and friends try on Jewelry...clothes...tampons and what have-you's to torture any reader who isn't listening to pretty woman as they exit fitting rooms.

To make the scene relivant Bella asks her friends a question about the Cullens Backpacking trips that comes off something like this.

Bella: I love your dress!
Monotonous Girlfriends: Thanks Bella!
Bella: Speaking of dresses, are the Cullens vampires?
Monotonous Girlfriends: No, they just never come to school on Sunny days. And we have a combined IQ of 6.


I giggled and then skipped the next couple of paragraphs until Bella decided to go off on her own...

...and get into some shenanigans.

Yes... only Bella, being the walking contradiction that she is, manages to come across Port Angeles's town Rapists. And boy... are they good at what they do.

Who knew that 4 guys on the town who come across a random girl can all agree on one thing... "We must Rape this Chick." So they engage in operation "Stalk, Flank, Rape."

So Edward comes in a saves the day. And things finally start getting interesting again.

Chapter 9 fairs better than 7 and 8 because (as i've stated before) it's about Edward and Bella. Edwards treatment of Bella is very entertaining and interesting at the same time. He is very protective, and seems to follow her around in case she happens to fall off a cliff...kinda like that old videogame Lemmings... you know...building bridges...giving her stilts... adding ladders...

...just like that...

Bella asks the important questions...and finds out the truth about Edward. And after about 6 seconds of possible personal character conflict... Bella is ready to have a bat in her cave.

...but you learn Edward is a special kind of vampire... i like to call them, "knot-vampires"


Chapter 9 proved a few things. There is chemistry between the two characters... no matter how shallow they may seem at times. Chapter 7 was an abysmal bore... and 8 really no better except for the fact that we learn Edward can get great service at restaurants... 9 finally adds some degree of character development and shows some real growth.

...Then again... that's like seeing your only Monet painting inside an Applebees...
6.5/10

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #2: Batteries Not Included

Review Chapters 4-6

Chapter's 4 through 6 passed with all the ease of a kidney stone the size of a softball. I had to read through more of Bella in class, and more of her interactions with the "norm-ies" around the high school.
Apparently all the men in the high school... are in heat. (in which there are only about 8 kids total which must make it hard to not inbreed)...
This is shown in a "HILARIOUS"... :(... moment when Bella is asked to the dance by multiple men. I like to call this, "chick humor"... and i give myself a mammogram afterwords and eat some dark chocolate.

Edward decides to appease his bluest of balls and swoon Bella. To summerize the dialogue throughout the rest of these chapters can be like this::::

Bella: "blah, blah, blah...mope...mope...mope."
Edward: "Yadda...Yadda...Yadda...Yadda... ::smoldering eyes::"
Bella: ::orgasm::

Edward knows how to make a girl swoon. I'm reading this book thinking... If this book came with a button or switch that caused it to turn to "massage" mode... women would never leave their room after chapter 5.

Bella asks more questions about Edward... but gets nothing out of it. Much like i am getting from this book. Edward seems to find her "primitive" female intuition hilarious... and maybe it is... but Bella seems to be doing a silent-stand-up comedy routine that's only funny to Edward... I'm pretty bored by this point.

An interesting side note is that people are getting jealous of Bella. Which seems to happen when every guy at the school wants you. But Bella doesn't care... Bella is used to not having friends. She's used to being the individual, pretty, outcast. God must have put her on Earth as the one quality B-movie in the bargain bin. So imperfectly perfect.

...and thus my head began to ache while reading.

...Chapter six is about as fun as a beach party on the O.C... The kids go and look at starfish, while Edward is not invited and is probably hunting lions and tigers and bears in the other forest. Bella then meets Jacob.

Jacob is apparently a Casino-less Native American who has long black hair and a baby face... So i'm just going to imagine him as Disney's Pocahontas. Pocahon- I mean... Jacob seems to be all into Bella in the same way my cousin is into picking up and throwing snails. He's not super annoying...but just blabs enough information to make a "family secret" about being werewolves not really a secret.

...Now...maybe this isn't obvious to everybody...and i admit to having just a little bit of previous knowledge of the books before... but he totally gives away everything to Bella right there...and even Nancy freaking Drew can put the mangy black hair and pale-marble skin stuff together to know that she's messing with Vampires and Werewolves.

But maybe i'm just jumping ahead. I'll let her move at her own pace. She has so much more moping to do...she can't possibly be moping and solving mysteries at the same time... i mean... she's not Batman.

Because of it's boring romance shit... 5/10... raise it a point or two if you found the "massage" switch while reading.

--more to come--

Old Blog Classic: Twilight Book Review #1

Note: These are my old blogs from my Twilight Book Review i wrote a year ago. In case you missed them! Enjoy!

So... I'm doing it. Today i read the first 3 chapter's of Twilight. I was told by many a people to actually read the book...for numerous reasons... Therefore, i've decided to read it, not only to shut people up and see what all the fuss is about, but to give my in-depth review of the "shit-erature" as a whole...as i like to call it. Be warned...my critiques will probably contain spoilers...


...so... without further adieu. Twilight.


Review of Chapter's 1-3.

Twilight begins like any teen drama about a misunderstood teenage girl (Bella) who's probably very cute, if she wasn't so concerned with being a individualistic bitch. She up and leaves her mother, who apparently Bella gave birth to because she's as much of an authority figure as a care-bear is. Bella lives with her Dad, who she calls by his first name, but not to his face...because she's cool like that.
Bella then goes to school. Oh, by the way, the town's named Forks... like the author was in the kitchen when she began writing... anyways... Bella begins her school year the hopeful outcast. She makes friends with the some-what nerdy outgoing group...but she only seems to like them because the author tells her to. They don't seem to matter that much as of now...so i'm going to ignore them like i ignore their retarded dialogue. It's the Cullen's who i want to talk about. Bella notices them...not-eating lunch together. They just like to buy food and stare at it with their beautiful and "smoldering" (as my friend would say)...eyes. All of them act like they're too cool for school but they're in school...because they know they're cool anyways. They are all apparently gorgeous... and made out of chalk, candy hearts, and kittens. Bella wants them...i think...

...anywho... Bella continues to amuse herself (much in the way i do) by being as negative a Nancy as possible. She has a class with the Cullen known as Edward. Bella thinks Edward hates her...because he's uncomfortable next to her in class...to the point that he's ultra tense... These interactions are what made these chapters the most interesting. It's Bella's description of these, "Cullens" that i assume these female readers find so interesting. Together they are too cool...not just for school...but they make the high school musical kids seem like the gay-albino-jewish kid who was on the flag team in high school. Everybody wants to be them.

So Bella is obsessed with Edward...but she plays it off in a way that won't get you arrested. She is still going to school...and taking care of her other parent, who i imagine looks something like the Brawny man meets Chuck Norris... but can't operate a toaster.

Edward and Bella flirt in class. It makes mitosis seem so much more interesting than it did Sophomore year. I was half expecting Edward to put his glass penis under the microscope by the end of the ordeal...but nothing really developed except for awkward dialogue that makes you want to wash the "stupid" off afterwords.

So...some unimportant stuff happens... uh... Bella's Dad is gay for Dr. Cullen...who is...some sort of... Foster Doctor... model... or whatever...

Anyways... Bella is almost killed when some kid skids out of control. Bella is saved by Edward who was masturbating behind his car to her likeness...and appeared by her side. Bella wants to know shit... Edward won't tell her... being as cool for this school...and any other school...as he is...

So now Bella is left with this question... who is this Edward Cullen dude...? And how long until i can jump his bone?

::::::::

So my overall opinion of this book so far...is... pretty much what i expected. The character's are not really interesting yet... and don't have any flaws worth investing a reader's time into. As long as i don't have to hear Bella talk again about any of her homework...or how good of a reader she is...then i'm fine for the time being. The only thing that I'm interested in is seeing how these two character's are going to interact with each other. I was told that nothing good happens until later in the book... which is a shame...but i'll keep reading. I'll rate each chapter out of 10. These chapters will pass by with a 5.5/10.


: Side note- Did Bella have any friends at her old school??? She seemed to grow up there...and doesn't keep in contact with anyone... I think a cool backstory would be that she killed her best friend reenacting scenes from the Virgin Suicides...because she would totally be into that shit...

Let There Be Write!

Life remains an enigma.  It is my job to point and laugh at it.

Like most blogs that people write.[1] I will state my own personal experiences/reviews/qualms/happenstances that occur in my day-to-day life.  Why should you bother to read this??? 

Well… for many reasons.  So as of right now, I will weigh the pro/cons of reading this blog for the average Joe/and or Jane Internet-surfererstein.[2]

Pro- I will talk about personal inner conflicts that occur in the life of an average[3] post-college grad.

Con- There will be little to no pornography on this site.  Perhaps you meant to search for “B.L.O.G.”

Pro- I will try and provide a humorous yet insightful narrative.

Con- It may not always fall in iambic pentameter.[4]

Pro- I will keep up to date on Entertainment/movie/music/and internet news.

Con-Air

Pro- I will update weekly.

Con- I will update weekly.[5]

:So, if the “Pros” outweighed the “Cons” then this blog may be for you.  If not.  Well… I hear that those Jersey Shore guys have interesting Tweets about life and stuff.

Sigh[6]…

Come back and read soon!

-Matt

---

[1] “Blog” meaning actually spellchecked personal opinion online journal. Not to be confused with the internet site “B.L.O.G.” which stands for Babes Lovin’ Old Guys.

[2] Yeah…they’re Jewish. You have a problem with that?

[3] Yet maybe a B+ in the “Looks” category...

[4] Sorry Shakespeare

[5] Well…what if you hate it?

[6] That’s where the real money is…